Day 286: Home

I miss Vancouver SO MUCH! Vancouver truly feels like home to me, and when the time comes in my life to settle down (not anytime soon, my continent-hopping tour schedule is far too demanding) it is there in Vancouver where I want to put down roots and begin a career and family.

Now when I say I miss Vancouver, I mean in the sense that I loved living there and do wish I was there sometimes, but not in a painful or homesick way. Just in the sense that I know I had it damn good there and feel happy and at peace knowing that I'll be back there one day. I'm happy here in Korea and want to stay. The World Tour still feels right, this is where I belong for now.

But anyways, here's a random list of some of the things I miss most back in Vancouver, in random order:

- the year-round greenery, the lush vegetation, the huge gigantic trees in Stanley Park, the flowers that begin blooming in February, the tree-lined streets as far as the eye can see

- the fact that in winter temperatures rarely drop below freezing. And I actually like the rain. I could just put on a warm sweater and light coat, pull out an umbrella, grab a coffee and be on my way up the street in total comfort. No windchill, no snow-shovelling, no feeling like your face is gonna break and fall off in icy chunks

- riding the SkyTrain and seeing glimpses of the city as you fly by

- the view of the North Shore Mountains from Canada Place, especially when they're snow-capped in winter

- the variety of style and colours in architecture - Vancouver truly is a post-modernist's heaven

- spending an entire afternoon listening to CD's in Virgin Records

- standing in Robson Square at Christmas time and being surrounded by all the beautiful holiday lights, and seeing all the Christmas trees on top of the downtown skyscrapers

- the smell and sound of the ocean while walking on the beach along English Bay

- the view of Vancouver's skyline from Jericho Beach - the city actually looks like Manhattan from that vantage-point

- shopping for expensive but delicious and top-notch quality food at Granville Island

- seeing the familiar and reassuring curve of the the Lions Gate Bridge's lights at night

- the Ceremony of Lights fireworks competitions - both the breathtaking visual ecstacy of the fireworks and the thrill and enormity of the crowds that come out to watch them

- the energy and festivity of the Gay Pride Parade

- having access to many bars that serve damn good martinis

- drunken visits to the Davie Street Denny's at like 3am for a good wholesome greasy snack

- living in the West End, where everything I needed (and 90% of my friends) were within a 10-minute walking distance of my home

- seeing all the different races and cultures and hearing the variety of languages on the street - Vancouver is so cosmopolitan!

- jogging on the seawall and along Lost Lagoon in early morning mist

- the variety of restaurants and food from all over the world - especially Denman Street!

- being able to walk down the street and running into someone I know every four minutes

- looking up while standing at the entrance to Burrard Station and being surrounded by the beauty of the spring cherry blossoms - as pink and bright as can be - with the downtown highrises looming high above

- suntanning on the beach in the summertime (again only minutes from my apartment) and enjoying all the eye candy

- pistachio, nutella, and After Eight-flavoured gelato (from Mondo Gelato)

- soy chai lattes and mocha chillers from Delany's

- the Sweet Sixteen cupcake from Cupcakes

- the chicken shwarma or veggie plate from The Falafel King

- White Lies 80's Night (Thursdays) at Shine nightclub

- Discotronic 70's Night (Tuesdays) at The Commodore nightclub

- being so close to parks and mountains and islands and trails for hiking and camping

- cabin parties at Graham's family's cabin up at Emory Creek

- weekends in Whistler

- weekends in Seattle

- all that fresh air! living right next to the ocean you get a constant stream of clean fresh breathable air! heaven!

- having acess to a clothes dryer, and being Burberry-free

- and just the fact that I lived in a city that, almost every single year, was voted as The World's Most Livable City! (and it really truly is!)

Vancouverites, you are so spoiled and don't even know it! Lucky bastards! Save a space for me cause I'll be back there in a couple of years, to rule as King again! Hehe! ;-)

Day 285: Longing For A Dryer

Oh the clothes dryer, oh how I miss thee!

Korean apartments all have a washing machine, but the vast majority do not have a dryer. This is one of the first things that a foreigner notices upon arriving in Korea, and it seems like such a absurd condition, as having a washer and dryer, back home, are synonymous as two things that *always* come together. But not here in Korea, and it's something that you never really get used to. Now the new 'officetel' style of apartments in Korea sometimes come with a washer/dryer combo, but this is a new concept for the Koreans, and only the affluent can afford these. And us foreigners may be relatively affluent here in Korea, but our apartments still don't come with one.

I tell ya, it's a sad reminder of what I'm missing in my life every single time I do my laundry. The washer stops, and then instead of throwing your damp laundry into a handy dryer, you gotta set up the clothes dryer rack thingy which takes up at least 57% of your living space, and then lay your clothes across it. And then you gotta wait like two damn days for the clothes to dry. And the drying time actually varies quite a bit depending on what season it is. In the hot late or early summer the clothes dry in mere minutes it seems, and the wait isn't too long in the winter when you have your apartment heat jacked up, but in mid-summer when it's wet and rainy and humid as hell, it takes an eternity and a day for your clothes to become wearable again because of the air's humidity.

And I use that word 'wearable' very loosely. They may be dry after a few days, but Downy-soft and annoying Teddy Bear-cuddly they certainly are not. Unless your idea of comfortable clothing are jeans that can stand up on their own, or socks that have dried in Cubist prune-like contortions, or stretched-out fitted shirts and pants that have changed shape and length because of that god damn drying rack! Argh! Korea is destroying my clothing! My poor innocent clothes will never be the same again, and they will never forgive me for having taken them away from their much-loved dryer.

Oh Mr. Dryer, oh how I miss thee! ;-)

Day 284: You Know You've Been...

In Korea for a long time (maybe too long?) when:

- you're peeing in a men's room and are pretty much in full view of random passerby, and don't even care.

- you crave kimchi at random moments, and find it odd when a meal doesn't come with it.

- you get in an uproar for having to pay the equivalent of $1.50 for a two-hour subway ride and scream out at the absurdity of the cost, and how mad you are about when they raised transit fares

- you think nothing about spending eight dollars on a tiny block of cheese

- you start to sing along with the Korean commercials

- you forget your hand phone at home and feel naked and empty and vulnerable and lonely and scared without it, and feel like *everyone* is staring at you in pity/condescension

- when you'll go to the movie theatre to see just about anything, or will watch the worst television programs ever, just because they're in English

- when you can stand and maintain a conversation/balance/your fragile composure on the bus while it hurtles down the street dodging other traffic at 92 km./hour

- when someone asks how old you are, and you ask them without even thinking "Western or Korean years?"

- when you can navigate your way home on the crazy subway network while completely shittered and make it home without any difficulty

- you know the best areas in the city to meet other cool foreigners

- you know the best areas in the city to hide from annoying foreigners

- walking down the street and upon seeing more than three foreigners in a gaggle you stop and stare just like the Koreans

- you are excited about having a Starbucks coffee, when you formerly loathed it/made fun of people who went there

- you can't imagine how you lasted so long in life without heated floors

- you get excited to go for a car ride, and then are terrified of the traffic and driving habits of the Koreans and vow never to get into a vehicle again

- you spend an afternoon in Insadong or at a palace and feel neglected because you didn't have at least three separate groups of Korean high schoolers asking for an interview on 'what you think about Korea, and whether or not you like kimchi'

- you get into deep intense many-hour long debates about who makes better chicken - BBQ or Kyochon?

- your pizza comes with corn or potatoes on it and you don't even notice anymore

- when you start using Konglish in your own personal vernacular

- you consider buying for yourself a Burberry scarf

Day 283: The Burberry Plague

There is a great and horrific plague that has infested Korea. It has spread and bred to every corner, and is of historic epidemic proportions. It has such a transfixing grip on the nation that those afflicted with this incurable (?) disease are not even conscious of their ill-laden status. It is everywhere and it is sad and I have no escape.

It is The Burberry Plague.

For those of you who are lucky enough to have been spared from the horror that is Burberry, consider yourself fortunate and truly blessed. Burberry is a brand and specific style of "fashion" (I'm grimacing in pain while having to use that word in this context) that the Koreans love. It is actually just one style of pattern, of stripes, typically with the colours of brown, white, black, and red. Oh it may seem harmless and innocent on the surface, but beware of its calm and misleading surface. It is a malignant force that needs to be halted in its tracks and destroyed. Wiped clean off this planet. Banished from our universe.

The Koreans do not just *love* Burberry, they frickin' worship it! It's everywhere! EVERYWHERE! Shirts, skirts, dresses, blouses, jackets, ties, hats, scarves, purses, bags, backpacks, wallets, shoes, suitcases, every conceivable fashion accessory that you can imagine, it can come in Burberry. And the Koreans are obsessed with it! It's ubiquitious across this nation from top to bottom! You can't walk down the street without being choked and suffocated by it. It's fuckin' ugly and I want it gone!

Now I didn't always harbour such vile disgust for Burberry, in fact I was completely ambivalent of its existence prior to coming to Korea. But now when you just can't get away from it, when whether you're on the subway or shopping in a store or eating in a restaurant and no matter where you turn it fills your vision, when even you're sweet innocent formerly-pure preschool children are covered in it, it makes you want to cry. Enough already!

My eyes are a watery mess of blood and tears. Dear Lord make it stop! PLEASE!

Day 282: The Unhappy Mr. Tummy

Today was a particularly relaxing day. Michael and I met up with Claire who is actually Eric's sister. She's sweet and fun and doesn't speak much English but she's cute as a button. (Which, if you think about, is a rather strange English idiom. I mean, really, have you EVER gone up to someone and like looked at their coat and said "wow, that's a really cute button!" Hmmm....didn't think so!)

We went for a Subway lunch and then over to a board game bang that us three boys used to go to often to play Risk. It's been such a long time since I played this game (well, since summer) and it was cool to play it again. Poor Claire didn't stand a chance though. She was ripped to shreads in no time at all and then Michael and I duked it out with our waves upon waves of massive armies. In the end he won but hell I had both Americas, Europe, *and* half of Africa for a while! Pshaw!

We went to Yongsan Electronics Market for a bit after that so Michael could buy some DVD's. Half of the English movies there I've never even heard of and it reconfirmed the fact that yes, indeed, I have been removed from North America for quite some time already. It's sad but it's true - life back on the home continent does go on without me.

We went out for dinner after that to a place that serves "fire chicken." Fire Chicken is a new trendy food that is taking the Korean peninsula by storm, particularly among the young and hip 20-something crowds. It's chicken (in various forms: skewers, in pieces, drumsticks, etc.) that is cooked is this RIDICULOUSLY SPICY sauce that would most definitely not be approved by the FDA back home. This sauce is so freaking spicy it's a wonder it's medically possible for anyone to consume it. But, the Koreans do love their spicy food and so when in Rome...

I really wasn't in the mood for spicy food but I went along anyway. It was actually quite tasty (although eating it involved me fanning my mouth quite a bit and drinking enough water to replenish a Great Lake) but it did not agree with my stomach. I had some major rumblings going on in the Stomach and Below Organs area that indicated that Mr. Tummy was not all that impressed with my culinary choices. Tiny earthquakes were riveting my innards by the time I had to head back to Ilsan and lets just say I was happy to have access to a toilet when I got home. It was dejavu of that bad chicken I had a month and a half ago but not quite as volatile luckily.

It's weird - I've had no problem with spicy food for the last 8 months and now all of a sudden my body decides that it doesn't want to deal with it anymore. It's like it's gone on strike against the spicy stuff. Well that's too damn bad cause now I actually like the spicy stuff so Mr. Tummy is just gonna have to deal with it. And hey I've got Mr. Pepto-Bismol to help combat the pernickety Mr. Tummy and coerce him into submission. Now that *that*, cranky tummy! ;-)

Day 281: Livin' La Vida Loca

Ahhhh Saturday again.... I met up with Micahel again today (yes, once again I "fled to Seoul" for the weekend as Addie puts it...hehe) and we had lunch at TGI Friday's. After lunch we did a little shopping in Myongdong and then later on in Dondaemun. Both areas were nuts with crowds. You can hardly move with all the people there, but luckily being 191 cm. tall gives me a strategic break-in-the-crowd search advantage. Sometimes I wish I had a video camera to accompany me on these little rendezvous throughout Seoul just so I could capture the magnitude and volume of these crowds. It really is like swimming through a sea of black (black hair, black eyes, I mean). Yep, I definitely *do not* "blend in" here in Seoul!

Tonight was Angele's birthday party so we met her and Nick and a bunch of their friends at a restaurant in Itaewon called Our Place. It was a really nice restaurant and the food was quite yummy. After dinner we went to a divey kinda bar called Dolce Vita to relax and chat over drinks. The gin n tonics were a flowin' and everyone was having a really good time.

After that we caught a cab to some area of town near Shinchon I think and went to a salsa club! Now I have no idea how to salsa but the one thing I can say that is man is Latin music ever infectious! It's so fun and free-spirited and it just *makes you wanna move!* The small club was packed (and half of which were of Latinos!? Where the hell did they come from? What are they doing in Seoul? They're foreigners but they're not teaching English, they're not in the military, so maybe they're migrant workers like the Indians and the Pakistanis? Either way a strange sight here in homogenous Korea!) and everyone there was having a good time.

There were a lot of dancers there who look like they go out salsa dancing every weekend cause they sure got their moves down. Luckily for me the salsa dancing was intermixed with fun familiar Latin pop including some Lou Bega "Mambo Number Five" and Ricky Martin's "Livin' La Vida Loca" (it's official now that *everyone* in the world knows all the words to that song, regardless of what mother tongue they speak!) so I didn't have to feel like a dancing chump with my two left Latin feet.

After salsaing (not a word, I know) we had some late night greasy dinner. On the way to the restaurant we passed this dance studio where there were people DANCING IN A JAZZ CLASS doing their exercises at like 3am!! What the fuck? Who signs up for jazz classes that run from 2 til 3am? Man, you gotta either have like NO other free time in your life or are just hardcore to be doing that. It was a strange and particularly hilarious sight when we stumbled upon that one in our drunken hungry stupor.

Oh, the things I see and experience here in Korea...too much fun!

Day 280: Moving On

I'm not the kind of person who holds onto grudges or teenage trivial tribulations, or stupid petty pointless unimportant non-existant competitions with people from my past, but maybe today this was proven incorrect...

I was talking to my friend Cindy today online while I had time to kill during prep break, and she sent me a file that flooded me with memories from my teenage days. It was a scanned image from Thunder Bay's local newspaper of a photo and short congratulatory message dedicated to a girl named Jamie Boulter, a girl that I once dated back in high school.

Or I should now call her Dr. Jamie whatever-her-new-last-name-is. She has just been awarded her Doctorate in Veterinary Medicine and has also married since I last saw her back in 1996. Sadly, I have to admit, that reading and seeing this filled me with feelings of jealousy, envy, and contempt. Well okay maybe not *that* strong (stop being melodramatic Scotty!) but more just feeling like I've been one-upped and have lost the competition. Only what's sad is that the competition doesn't exist except for in my own warped little head.

Jamie and I were always very competitive, even while dating. We were both quite smart in school, and competed not only in academics but even just with stupid stuff all the time. It was mostly all in jest and fun but there was definitely a serious undertone to it as well. And you know how it is when you break up with someone - you want to be the first to find a new beau, the first to move on into some new amazing fabulous life to show off, the first to do, well, everthing...

And now that Miss Jamie has gone and gotten herself married and now has a freakin' PhD, I feel like I've got some serious ground to gain in this sad competition (one that again I'm sure she's long since forgotten, but this again illustrates Scotty's competitive nature in just about anything.)

I guess I also feel a bit dissed by her too. I knew when she got married a few years ago (again courtesy of my always-in-the-know pal Cindy) and had decided to send her a congratulations card to her parents. I included a little letter about what I had been up since high school and hoped that she was doing well and that she'd send me an email saying hey and telling me what she was up to (besides the obvious new marital status thing.) Well all I got back in the mail (and not even to Vancouver but to my parents in Thunder Bay) was a tiny little thank you card saying "Thank you for your card and warm wishes" - and that was it!!! I totally felt snubbed! And now that I read this in the paper she's gone and beaten me again - first in the war of romantics, and now the war of academics. Fuck!

Oh Scotty, you can be so sad and pathetic sometimes...

Why should I even care about all of this nonsense that I've unnecessarily created for myself? This is all about a girl that I dated back when I was freakin' seventeen years old - I'm 26 now! I haven't even seen her in almost a decade and yet for some stupid reason I still feel compelled to "beat her." I mean I don't even date girls any more, for Christ's sake! Why is this getting under my skin?

And it's not like I have something to be embarrassed to be about! I may not have a partner of my own, but I did go to a kick-ass university after high school, got to live in a truly amazing city, and now travel around overseas on the adventure of a lifetime. My life is amazing and I truly live my dreams out everyday. Why do I still feel like I don't measure up? It's almost like I feel that I need to become some giant movie star in Asia or something and become super huge famous and then she finds out about my stratosphere-level fame and fortune by seeing my perfect picture on the cover of Rolling Stone, People, and GQ all in the same week while shopping at the Walgreens in Whereverville, America that she now lives in.

Argh! I'm so lame! I'm frustrated by these feelings of insecurity. Why do I still feel the need to "win", when the only person racing is me? Why can't I just move on? It's not like these emotions dictate and control me everyday, but they lay dormant beneath the surface for years at a time before rearing their ugly head again. They really do need to just go away, and in a healthy way rather than feeling falsely victorious on some non-existent future date.

Do I need therapy? Be honest...

Day 279: Crossing Over

Tonight was a great night!

I had my biggest dinner party yet and it was a total blast! I had a record seven (7) people over for our weekly Thurday Night Dinner & Cranium Party, and I was pleasantly surprised to see that everyone fit into my little apartment. There was myself, Addie, Katie, Michael, his date YoungSeok, Cora, and her co-worker Melissa. Wow!

Michael cooked up a storm tonight, only this time with a Thai theme. We had super spicy chicken curry, some pad thai, Thai rice, a soup whose name I forget but it has mushrooms and lemongrass in it, and for dessert some delicious fruit with cold coconut milk. YUM! We all gorged down on the delicious meal and as a result there was seven very happy tummies.

Cranium was hilarious as always. I was a bit worried at first that YoungSeok wouldn't have fun with the game since English is not his first language and Cranium is riddled with Western pop culture, celebrity references, and complex English expressions and idioms. However, he did a great job and seemed to be really enjoying himself. The one moment where I realized he'd have no problem at all is when some Disney reference was brought up and then next thing I knew everyone (minus Melissa and I) were belting out 'The Little Mermaid's' "Part Of Your World" - WORD FOR WORD! I guess Disney crosses over easily to many cultures around the world and seems to ignore cultural and language barriers to become imbedded in the minds of kids the world over. I hate Disney (that's a whole other entry) but I was impressed with this fact via tonight's vivid demonstration.

Either stories about precocious mermaids longing for love above the ocean's surface appeals to all of humanity on some basic level, or Disney is an absolute master at mass-marketing/brain-washing its products and values and culture to kidss across the globe. Your guess is as good as mine.

Day 278: Fighting It

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas..."

Okay there's no snow here yet and I'm not in Canada so it doesn't really feel like Christmas is coming at all (at least not in the traditional sense for me), but THE holiday of the year is quickly approaching, and I'm trying desperately to hold off on it.

Now don't get me wrong. I love Christmas! LOVE IT! But there's a time and place for everything, right? I've always believed that not a festive bow nor piece of holly should be seen prior December 1st, nor should a single Christmas carol be heard before that official* start date. But, most retailers and malls of the world seem to severely disagree with me on that one. In fact, I was in Burger King on Halloween and was shocked and horrified to see that not only was the restaurant fully decked out in gawdy holiday decorations, but they were blasting "Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer" at rock concert-level decibals. And again, on HALLOWEEN! What the...!?

Well it's a war that I've been losing as department stores here already have put up their Christmas displays, and Wal-Mart has dragged out all the Christmas crap to sell. And this is all surprising considering that even though there's a lot of Christians in Korea, it's still not that big of a holiday here. Or so I've been told (falsely?)

The official nail in the coffin on my attempt to hold back the Christmas tide came this week when it was announced that I had to choose a Christmas carol for my preschoolers to sing for the annual POLY Christmas concert. I haven't formally chosen a song yet, but I'm pretty sure I'd like to do 'Jingle Bell Rock' with my Parrots. Could be fun. Without any choice in the matter, that song has been in my head all week long and I've even begun singing it in the shower avec my "Be Your Own Pop Star In The Shower" Korean Shower Head**

sigh...

Is it time to hand in my official concession notice? Should I give a speech of honourable defeat? (or just continue practicing my daily morning wet 'n wild version of Jingle Bell Rock?) :-)

*as designated by the officials of The S2H World Tour

** aka: just a regular shower head

Day 277: Boracay-Bound

Well it's official! I will be spending Christmas and New Year's Eve 2005 in Boracay!

AND I COULDN'T BE MORE THRILLED!!

Our tickets arrived in the mail today, and so that means that myself, Addie, and Katie will be spending our holiday break in a place that almost every year is named "the world's most perfect tropical beach." I've been dreaming of visiting Boracay since July and now it's finally gonna happen!

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, here's a brief run-down. Boracay is a tiny island (7 km.long, only 1km. wide at its narrowest point) in the Philippines and is one of Asia's most popular beach resorts. It's most famous for its White Beach - 4 km. of pure white sands, swaying palms, and turquoise waters. It sounds like absolute heaven, and will be the perfect escape from cold frigid wintery Korea.

The plane ticket there wasn't cheap, but accommodation, food, and entertainment on the island is supposed to be pretty inexpensive. I plan on doing some snorkelling and swimming, hiking and seadoing, some serious partying, and mainly just spending endless hours relaxing on that perfect beach. God it's gonna be amazing!!

To tease and tempt you, I've included three links to some spectacular photo galleries of Boracay. Check 'em out, and feel free to drool. ;-)

http://www.boracayisland.org/photos.shtml

http://www.boracayonline.com/gallery/scenery.html

http://www.tourism.gov.ph/explore_phil/place_details.asp?content=famousefor&province=98

Day 276: Linguistic Laziness

I think I've done fairly well at adapting to life in Korea. I've roamed the city exploring neighbourhoods, have dived head first into culinary adventures (for better or worse), made friends here and there, and feel quite comfortable indeed with my day to day life. But there's one thing that I have yet to conquer - the language.

When I came to Korea I had full intentions to learn the language, either by signing up for courses or just making a lot of Korean friends and milking them dry for free language lessons. But, alas, nine months has come and gone already and I've only learned a smattering of the language. I know about twenty words or phrases and while it's enough to get me around, it's not all that much. "Just getting by" with the bare bones falls far below my original masterplan, and I'm full of lame excuses why.

I'm too busy with work, there's no courses near me, I'm trying to save my money, I'm too tired, it's too hard, I don't really need it anyway since I'm already getting by, what will I do with it once I leave?, there's more fun things I'd rather be doing, the Koreans will never be able to understand me anyway, I'm too lazy....

Well all of those are true to a certain degree, but guess which one carries the most truth?

Being just too damn lazy really is the only real reason. And I'm kinda embarrassed about it. A lot of people who come to Korea know even less Korean by the end of their year than what I know right now, but a lot of others just throw themselves right into it and do quite well. My friends Ailish and Michael are shining examples of the truth that YES! foreigners can learn Korean, with effort and dedication. Michael particularly is amazing with it (but granted he's been here two years already...)

Still, I don't even know the Korean alphabet and have never really even tried to. Back to those reasons/excuses listed above, the combination of them really is true. I work 50 hours a week - in my precious free time I'd rather give priority to my precious social life. I don't know of any courses here in Ilsan, and would rather spend that money on travel instead. Korean is DAMN HARD to learn and since I teach a language all day I really don't want to spend the rest of it of my day struggling with a new one. Koreans do have the bad reputation that unless you pronounce something *perfectly* they really have no clue what you're saying. And yeah, I'm just lazy.

I feel guilty, but at the same time not really. I've done so many other great things in Korea and have conquered so much already, much more than the average weguk here, I believe. But still, I have this hanging over my head like a nagging mother-in-law. And now in recent weeks both Addie and Katie have taken to learning Hangeul in their free time. They can now both read the alphabet (Korean, unlike Chinese or Japanese, has a phonetic alphabet) and jokingly tease me that I'm being left behind...

Languages has never really been my strong point (although I did alright with French in high school) but I really could/should be making more effort. Still, I don't feel compelled enough to do so. I'm the kind of person who doesn't like to do something (especially learn something new) unless I'm really good at it right away. I get discouraged/bored easily and then move on. And it's like I abandoned learning Korean even before I gave it a real shot. Lazy lazy lazy. Am I a bad foreigner for being this way?

Day 275: Got Culture?

Today was an awesome, full day oot and aboot in Seoul.

I met up today with a big crew to hit the town for a little cultural touring, and it was a good time had by all. Participating members included Addie and Katie from Ilsan, Luke from Chungju, Cora (a new POLY friend) from Hwajeong, and Yours Truly, who doesn't like to have a fixed address for longer than 33 seconds. (just try and have your precious address book keep up with my moving habits - I dare ya!)

We had a little lunchy at Subway, and then did a little window-browsing. While on our way to our next point of destination, we got caught on the wrong side of the street by a massive protest. Protests are almost a weekly appearance in downtown Seoul, but are always very tame and peaceful despite the large numbers that come out. Perhaps the squads of 5000+ police troops decked out in full riot gear along side their parade route is what keeps them behavin'?

We went on a tour of Changdeokgung, the famous UNESCO World Heritage Site palace that I've visited a number of times. It was the first time for the other four though and we had a blast. The fall colours are on their way out but it was still really pretty to walk through the leaf-strewn secret garden and admire the serenity and peace, away from the busyness of the city for a little while. We took some pictures and then got separated from our tour. Oops. No need to fear ladies (and boy), for Scotty is here. And he's taken this tour enough times that he can give it himself. And so that's exactly what I did. We wandered through the rest of the palace and garden and I filled the four of them in on all the juicy little tidbits that one needs to know about Joseon Dynasty architecture and lifestyles of the Korean royalty. And all at our own pace. Now this is much more my style. (Too bad I didn't get any tips for being such a good tour guide - those cheap-asses!) ;-)

We meandered into Insadong after that, Sunday craziness in full swing as always. No shopping there today, but rather just taking in the atmosphere. We went and had some delish Korean dinner after that and it was nice to sit and chill for a while. And then after dinner we went down to Kyobo Books (but not before a quick visit to Ben & Jerry's for some Oatmeal Cookie Dough ice cream - the best freakin' ice cream in the known world!) No purchases for me, and my wallet was thankful.

A bus ride home ensued after such book-browsin' activities, and then bed time. A downtown walk, some window-shopping, a lovely palace tour, some more window-shopping in the heart of cultural Korea, a little traditional dinner, and some literature osmosis...what more do you want in a Sunday?

Day 274: Costco Cruisin'

Today was a pretty mellow day, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Michael and I continued our weekend shopping habit, this time out looking for Christmas gifts for his family. We didn't have much luck in that department, but had some fun with buying stuff later on when we made a trip out to Costco.

This was my first visit to Costco since arriving in Korea, and it had the look, feel, atmosphere, and even the smell of one back home. Shopping carts large enough to carry home a Volvo, towering temporary-looking shelves (what's the point of having all that food up there if we can't reach it?) and even the requisite free food samples served by ladies who look like they're either one little sausage sample away from throwing themselves under the next passing forklift, or are so damn bloody friendly that their Joker-like smiles can only be justified by permanent Prozac pills shoved up their ass. Mmmmm....prozac pills....mmmmmm... ;-)

Shopping there was fun and I picked up a good collection of goodies - a giant box of granola bars, 12 boxes of Macaroni & Cheese, a jar of pickles that I swear is like 8 gallons, some big-ass muffins, and the big treat of the week - Veggie Burgers!!! I was particularly excited when I found those - anything veggie-oriented is few and far between here in The Rea (slang for Korea).

I would've bought more but decided to limit myself. Costco is fun but not very practical when almost all of the food that can be bought there can support families of fourteen or more. I mean cheap ketchup is great, but do I need enough to last a decade? Buying liquid soap in bulk is handy too, but unless I'm planning on personally cleaning every apartment this side of the Han River, there's no way I need that much. And what about flats of cinnamon buns? Very tasty, but not when I have enough to give one to every single one of my students at school....for the next 47 weeks!

I still feel like I made out like a bandit there...it's the small things that bring the most pleasure while here in Korea, and food definitely ranks high on that chart.

Day 273: Messing With Their Heads

Katie and I are playing a joke on two of our classes, and it's been a very funny, escalating trick that has no end currently in sight. During one of our afternoon blocks we teach right across the hall from each other. I don't even remember exactly how all of this got started but I guess one day we were walking down the hall to our respective classrooms together and some of her kids thought that it looked like we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Now one thing you need to know is that *every* Korean child/teenager is a very eager beaver matchmaker. Every student I've ever had is *always* curious to know if I have a girlfriend and every single female in my social circle is automatically my suspect girlfriend. It's quite funny actually, cause they never ever give up on this and just seem to be dying to hook me up with someone. Ohhhh, you funny kids...

Well anyways Katie and I decided to play up this little rumour a bit. The next time we taught that class we actually walked down the hall to the classrooms arm in arm. A couple of both her and my students caught eye of this and MY GOD you should've heard the SCREAMS of ecstacy and joy and complete and utterly uncontrollable excitement that erupted from their throats! It was if finally all of their suspicions had 'been comfirned' and this was like the dream moment that they've been yearning to 'catch us in' all semester long. For the first 10 minutes of my class the kids couldn't stop talking about it they thought it was so huge that they saw this!

Well we've kept this up and now it's reached a whole other level. Most of our classes now actually wait either outside in the hall for a glimpse, or starting today, wait right outside the teachers room with eager anticipation of catching a glimpse of Poly's new 'it couple.' As Katie and I walked down the hall several of them had actually brought cameras to take our pictures and catch us in a moment of brief hallway togetherness. Walking down the hall with like a dozen Grade 4's running around screaming in excitement, calling your name, and taking your picture was pretty hilarious and it totally felt like I was being bombarded by fans and the paparazzi!

Katie and I find this hilarious and enjoy the attention, but we'll have to burst their bubble eventually and let them know that it's not for real. I actually tell my kids everyday that "we're just friends" but they never believe me. LOL. Looks like this joke has taken on a life of its own now! Maybe we need to have a big dramatic breakup in the hall to end the soap opera? Haha! I'm having too much fun with this so don't count on this to end anytmie soon. :-)

Day 272: Pepero Day

Today may be Remembrance Day back home in Canada, and Veterans' Day in the US, but here in Korea it's a whole other holiday altogether. And it's not related in the least bit to any world war or time of political conflict. In fact, it's quite the opposite...

Today is Pepero Day! Pepero Day is a relatively new holiday in Korea (less than ten years old) but has taken the nation by storm. Pepero Day is the day where you give your all your friends and the other people in your life you care about a pepero. Now what is a pepero? Well a pepero is a long cookie stick most often coated in chocolate. Picture a biscuit that's shaped like a stick of incense but a little bit thicker. I had never seen them before coming to Korea, but they very closely resemble Pocky Sticks if you're familiar with those (a Japanese treat that I've seen back in Canada.)

I have no idea how or why this holiday got started, but whoever makes peperos is laughing all the way to the bank I'm sure. *Millions* of these darn things are sold across Korea in a matter of days. Shopping for them is a feverish experience in itself, as Koreans go frantic in the stores trying to grab boxes and boxes of these things to give away. They're actually pretty tasty, but really, do you need to get like 43 of them from all of your friends?

As you can imagine, Pepero Day is especially popular with young children, so all my kids had talked it up all week long as the day approached. This also meant that I had to buy a pepero for every single one of my kids knowing that most of them would have one for me - all 100 plus of them! Luckily peperos are pretty inexpensive, but I also decided to 'regift' and give out peperos to afternoon kids that I had received in the morning. Again, they're tasty, but I don't need *that* many! Despite my regifting efforts, I still had several armfuls of them by the end of the day. Looks like I'll be eating peperos for quite some time!

Day 271: Retrospective 2001

And here's some random thoughts of mine from November of 2001...we're going way back here!


November 12, 2001

...So Ming the psychic said a few interesting things during our session. I don't think that I really believe in all that hocus pocus but hey you never know! She told me that in the next year my life will change dramatically, that I'll be moving east, and that I'll be very successful and happily married by the time I'm 31. (She also mentioned a wife and four kids...) She said that my sister would be getting engaged/married by the end of next year and that a baby woul come before the marriage! Oh my god I hope not!!! I would freak out if that happened! She also said my parents would retire and open a B&B, and that I'll live to the age of 86. I guess only time will tell about all of these things, eh? :-)


November 30, 2001

...School and work are great these days though, even with the typical end-of-semester insanity that pays me a visit every November. All is well with my friends, I love them to pieces! I really do have the most amazing life here in Vancouver - I'm so lucky to have it so good!!! I'll miss this place soooo much (assuming that I leave next year.) I'm looking forward to my holiday back home, even though sometimes I feel a little weird and out-of-place there. It feels a little more foreign too with every passing year...

Day 270: Retrospective 2002

Here's a sample of my life in November of 2002. MUCH different than where I am now (both physically/location-wise, as well as emotionally and head-space wise.)


November 24, 2004

Love is an illusion.
Love is a lie.
Love is a misleader.
Love is a deceiver.
Love is a cheat.
Love is a phony.
Love is a mask.
Love is a thief.
Love is an assasin.
Love is a cruel joke.
Love is evasive.
Love is fleeting.
Love is untangible.
Love is false.
Love is hurting.
Love is pain.
Love is sorrow.
Love is bitterness.
Love is sick.
Love is, never was, and never will be real.
Love is death.


November 27, 2002

"Isn't anyone trying to find me? Won't somebody come take me home? It's a damn cold night, trying to figure out this life. Won't you take me by the hand, take me somewhere new. I don't know who you are but I'm with you." - Avril Lavigne - "I'm With You"

I'm not a very happy boy these days. It seems like I've lost my grip on everything in my life and now I'm just stuck here floating in an empty void, going absolutely nowhere. No love. No money. No opportunities in sight.

On top of all this, I'm not going home for Christmas this year. :-( Delany's won't give me the time off so I'll be here in BC. At least I won't be totally alone - Barb and Tom can't go home either. Still, it'll be my first Christmas ever not with my family. It'll be hard but I'm going to try and keep myself busy so I don't think about it too much.

Keeping myself busy is going to be hard cause I'm so fucking bored these days. I'm getting shit for hours at Delany's and so I have way too much free time on my hands. I need to find a new hobby or a new job or start fucking exercising more or something. And working at the firm seems like light years away...nothing in the near future is going to be happening there. Maybe nothing at all?

I feel like I'm trying so hard to change my life and move forward and grow, but my feet are glued to the floor. Everything I've tried these past 6 months have gone nowhere. It's like life is stuck on pause and the batteries in the remote control are dead. And every time I try to get off the couch to push play, I hit another invisible glass wall. I need to do something to shake everything up, but don't know what. I'm feeling very despaired and frustrated with life. Why does everything have to be so hard? For once I want something to come a little easier for me! How does a person keep their morale up with all of these closed doors and dead ends? Beats me...

Day 269: Retrospective 2003

While cleaning my apartment the other day I came across my journals from home that I had brought with me to Korea so I could read back on snippets on my life from days gone by. I started keeping a journal beginning September 2001 and wrote in it fairly regularly right up until I left for Korea. Now I'm here in Seoul and do all my writing on here (the computer) instead of paper, which has both advantages and disadvantages. I can type far faster than I can write so I'm able to 'archive' a whole lot more of my experiences overall, and share them with anyone who cares to read them. On the other hand, there's something that's not as romantic or sentimental on a computer screen as compared to an actual physical journal containing ink that I wrote with my own hand. Staring at electronic words evokes less emotion from me than staring at words where I can feel my emotions pouring out of the page just by looking at the manner in which I wrote the entries that particular day. And then again, writing for the masses (or the five or six people who read this on a regular basis) also appeals to the emotion-sharing/gotta-be-in-spotlight/please-give-me-attention Leo in me.

I'm still deciding which one I like best.

The other note-worthy point is how impersonal and 'safe' this blog feels, in comparison, to my journal. Obviously I wrote the journal with the idea that no one will ever read it, whereas I wrote (and write) this blog knowing that I have an audience. And not just any audience, but people I know. Friends, family, and everyone in between. And so I behave myself while I write on here. I may have a potty mouth at times (which I'm sure you've all noticed) but I keep this blog particularly vague and illusive regarding certain personal subjects. I talk about my feelings and emotions often, but don't often go all that deep into the vulnerable and sensitive areas of my personal psyche. This is just easier most of the time for me, but can also be frustrating as as times I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

And why? It's my own fucking blog! (there goes the potty mouth again....oops!) In theory I can write whatever-the-hell-I-damn-well-feel-like-it and who's going to tell me not to? (other than the occasional Korean government mass internet censorship.) Well today I'm going to venture out a little, come out of the cocoon (but not entirely) and bare parts of me that rarely see daylight. I don't know why I suddenly feel more compelled to be more open with who I really, truly am, but today seems to be that day. Some people may not like it, you may not want to know this much about me, but if you continue reading you're going to find out more about The Scotty Beneath The Surface. Be forewarned...turn back now if you're not up for it...

And so back to the journals of mine that I found...

Here are three entries from November of 2003, 2002, and 2001. Three snapshots of my life, all at different periods of my early 20's. I tended to write only in the journal when I was feeling really emotional (extreme highs or lows) and so my old journals tend to have this 'riding a rollercoaster' feel to it. I tend to think of myself as level-headed, emotionally-stable, and overall fairly confident, but my journals don't often reflect that. Let's start with November 2003 and go from there.

November 2, 2003

...I feel so lucky to live such a priviledged life! I have so much fun all the time and get exposed to such an amazing variety of fun experiences. I TOTALLY LIVE THE IDEAL LIFESTYLE! One day I'll be old and gray and will look back at these youthful years with pride and remember that I lived the most amazing life when I was in my 20'!

As for my future, it points towards Korea! A lot of research and thinking has led me to this decision. In one year of teaching there I can pay off all or most of my loans leaving me The Free Nomad to wander thru Prague, Hong Kong, and Australia at my leisure later on. And hey, I may actually *like* living in Seoul! I'm going to go into this with an open mind and a positive attitude. There is beauty and magic to be found in everyday life, anywher. Why go and be miserable when I can turn such an experience into the opportunity of a lifetime? It makes no sense! So I haven't applied to any jobs y et but will soon. I'm still aiming for early 2004 (Janaury - April) for departure - shouldn't be a problem considering how high the demand is for ESL teachers in Korea.

Wow...looks like The S2H World Tour begins in Seoul! Bring it on! :-)

Day 268: An Unequal Mix

My good buddy Luke who lives way out in Chungju came into Seoul today so I made plans to meet up with him. Before doing so, Michael and I continued our weekend tradition of Sunday brunch and a movie. This week we watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' and it just may be the best movie I've seen all year. A great cast, truly original screenplay, and some fantastic acting. If you haven't already seen it, go out and rent it! It's awesome. Two thumbs up from Scotty.

Luke and I decided to do something 'touristy' today so we went and checked out the Korean War Memorial. The KWW is like the mother of all museums here in Seoul. It's ginormous and monolithic - a very large and imposing and intimidating structure that looks like Mussolini built it or something. It contains a fantastic museum dedicated to Korea's LONG history of war and military action. This poor little country has suffered more than its fair share of war and violence over the centuries, with the Korean War especially highlighting this fact.

We spent a good three hours or so wandering through the museum and easily could've stayed longer had it not been for the fact that the museum was closing soon. The exhibits were interesting but many contained exaggeration, half-truths, and/or propaganda, ranging in scale from mere suggestive to outright blatant! In some cases historical 'facts' were either inaccurate misrepresentations of actual events, or certain key historical happenings were omitted entirely. Were it not given for the fact that I was hanging with Luke who is far smarter than I and knows a great deal about political science and history, most of it I wouldn't have even caught. The three hour exposure to Korean spindoctoring and propaganda was an unequal mix of being unsettling, confusing, thought-provoking and amusing. I enjoyed the museum though, overall, and definitely plan on returning again.

We made a quick requitory (sp?) trip to Yongsan Electronics Market afterwards so Luke could pick up his quota of DVD's and other electronic goodies before heading to Itaewon for dinner. We had a kick-ass Indian dinner at New Delhi before parting separate ways. We're meeting up again next weekend to do something cultural again and it should be fun. When I got home I went over to Addie's and we watched 'She's All That' ("I feel just like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, only without the whole hooker thing!") and then it was bedtime for me.

Day 267: Creatures Of Habit

Hey it's Saturday and guess what? Another lazy start to the weekend. I did pretty much dick all again today for the first half of the day (although I talked to Greg and Liz on the phone and that was awesome.) I went into Itaewon to hang with Michael for a while and we watched a movie at his place. We watched this Korean romantic comedy called 'Please Teach Me English' and it was pretty good actually. It poked fun at not only Koreans learning how to speak English, but also foreign teachers and it was pretty funny. Certainly much more light-hearted than the last two Korean films I've watched!

Another Going Away Night tonight... Last week it was Pauline, and this weekend it was a party for Maeve. It seems like everyone here leaves in waves... We met up with Maeve and a couple of her friends for dinner. We went to a Thai restaurant here in Itaewon and it was quite yummy. After dinner we did some bar-hopping and it was a lot of fun. We started off at a place called Brix (very funky but far too loud to carry out a conversation), then made our way to Three Alleys Pub (good music and not too loud) and then eventually made our way to my favourite bar in Korea - The Bar!

Nick and Angele were there along with a group of their friends. We joined crews together and rocked the night away. Once again, just like last weekend, the night consisted of great 80's tunes, pitchers of Gin & Tonic, and then a 3am departure to eat an egg sandwich before going to bed. Tonight was the *third weekend in a row* that involved going out late at night and consuming a good deal of alcoholic libations. I must be on some kind of party kick these days or something.... I just have so much fun when I go out on the town with my buds, how can I say no? Maybe I should plan a more quiet weekend for next week, just to mix it up a bit...

Day 266: Midnight Shopping

Ahhhh Friday...another week gone by. Besides our Thursday Dinner/Game Night with Michael, Addie, and Katie, my other weekly tradition is Friday TV Night with Sally & Jason. After work every Friday we race home just in time to watch The Apprentice, which is then followed by Survivor. Those two very short hours of television is something we look forward to *all week!* There's not a lot of good TV here, and I can never figure out when stuff is on (TV shows seem to start and end at random times here, shows rarely begin on the hour or half hour unless it's on AFN.) The three of us really do love our reality TV and those two shows back-to-back is the creme-de-la-creme of it! It's fun and social and just the perfect way to unwind after the week. I'm far too tired to go out on the town on Friday nights so this little tradition suits me perfectly.

After our TV shows we decided to go and do a little grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. The Wal-Mart here in Ilsan, strangely enough, is actually open 24 hours a day. I can't imagine what Korean family would be shopping at Wally World on a Wednesday night at like 3am, but hey, at least the option's there! The store was fairly empty when we were there and it was actually quite pleasant for shopping. Most days you can barely even navigate your cart safely down the aisle without mowing down at least three elderly ajimas on the way to grab that last can of imported dill pickles.

Once again, the idea of a 24 hours grocery store baffles me. It makes me think of travelling in the States actually. Between Vancouver and Seattle are all these GIANT grocery supermegahuge food stores that are not only open 24/7 but located way out in the middle of nowhere. These stores are the size of small cities and NEVER close! What's up with that? Grocery stores in Canada close at midnight so seeing these always perplexed me. Doesn't the store lose money staying open so long? Who goes shopping for food in the wee hours of the morning? And why are they always way out far from populated urban centres? We'd be driving at night in the pitch black of the forest on I-5 and suddenly see a glow on the horizon. That glow would always turn out to be one of these strange shopping anomalies and my friends and I would always get a kick out of visiting them, just because we could. Buying Keebler cookies and other fun random American treats at 2:30am in Hicksville, Washington was always a good time. And now I can continue that here in Ilsan if I choose, although Korean suburbia is certainly far removed from being in the pitch black middle of nowhere America... Weird, but fun. :-)

Day 265: Everybody Needs One

Today was such a great day! Today is Katie's birthday so after work, during our usual little Thursday Game Night get-together, we decided to have an extra special night for Katie. Michael came out from Seoul like he does every Thursday and offered to cook us all an awesome Mexican dinner!

MEXICAN!

God I love Mexican food, and you just can't find Mexican food (well, good stuff anyways) here in Korea. My Mom makes incredible Mexican food, and other than that yummy burrito I had in Hong Kong, I can't even remember the last time I had GOOD Mexican food. Until tonight, anyways.

Michael cooked Katie, Addie and I a meal to die for. We had enchiladas and chicken fajitas with Spanish rice and it was *incredible!* We even had good salsa, cheese, and real sour cream! Michael had to go to like four foreign food stores just to get all the ingredients together to make this. It was fuckin' awesome! How lucky am I to have a friend who not only volunteers but actively enjoys driving like 40 minutes out to your house just to make dinner for you and your friends! And not just any dinner, but a truly delicious one. Everybody needs to have a friend like this!

After dinner the four of us played two ruckus games of Cranium and had a total blast. The night was full of shits and giggles and I haven't laughed that much in...well, since our last get-together. The four of us together have such a total blast, so freely and so effortlessly. We all just bounce off each other with our silliness and no matter what we're doing we're always having a famously good time. Man, I've got some really great friends here in Korea. Hooray for friends! :-)

Day 264: 17 Reasons Not To Slit Your Wrists

I was gonna go off on a big rant and bitch about and bemoan and whine to anyone who'll listen WHAT THE FUCK happened with this election?!? but instead will let Michael Moore, one of my personal heroes, to put a more positive spin on things. Check it out, it's pretty funny. :-)


17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists...by Michael Moore

Dear Friends,

Ok, it sucks. Really sucks. But before you go and cash it all in, let's, in the words of Monty Python, "always look on the bright sideof life!" There IS some good news from Tuesday's election. Here are 17 reasons not to slit your wrists:

1. It is against the law for George W. Bush to run for president again.

2. Bush's victory was the NARROWEST win for a sitting president sinceWoodrow Wilson in 1916.

3. The only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry was young adults (Kerry: 54%, Bush: 44%), proving once again that your parents are always wrong and you should never listen to them.

4. In spite of Bush's win, the majority of Americans still think the country is headed in the wrong direction (56%), think the war wasn't worth fighting (51%), and don't approve of the job George W. Bush is doing (52%). (Note to foreigners: Don't try to figure this one out. It's an American thing, like Pop Tarts.)

5. The Republicans will not have a filibuster-proof 60-seat majority in the Senate. If the Democrats do their job, Bush won't be able to pack the Supreme Court with right-wing ideologues. Did I say "if the Democrats do their job?" Um, maybe better to scratch this one.

6. Michigan voted for Kerry! So did the entire Northeast, the birthplace of our democracy. So did 6 of the 8 Great Lakes States. And the whole West Coast! Plus Hawaii. Ok, that's a start. We've got most
of the fresh water, all of Broadway, and Mt. St. Helens. We candehydrate them or bury them in lava. And no more show tunes!

7. Once again we are reminded that the buckeye is a nut, and not just any old nut -- a poisonous nut. A great nation was felled by a poisonous nut. May Ohio State pay dearly this Saturday when it faces Michigan.

8. 88% of Bush's support came from white voters. In 50 years, America will no longer have a white majority. Hey, 50 years isn't such a long time! If you're ten years old and reading this, your golden years will be truly golden and you will be well cared for in your old age.

9. Gays, thanks to the ballot measures passed on Tuesday, cannot get married in 11 new states. Thank God. Just think of all those wedding gifts we won't have to buy now.

10. Five more African Americans were elected as members of Congress, including the return of Cynthia McKinney of Georgia. It's always good to have more blacks in there fighting for us and doing the job our candidates can't.

11. The CEO of Coors was defeated for Senate in Colorado. Drink up!

12. Admit it: We like the Bush twins and we don't want them to go away.

13. At the state legislative level, Democrats picked up a net of atleast 3 chambers in Tuesday's elections. Of the 98 partisan-controlled state legislative chambers (house/assembly and senate), Democrats went into the 2004 elections in control of 44 chambers, Republicans controlled 53 chambers, and 1 chamber was tied. After Tuesday, Democrats now control 47 chambers, Republicans control 49 chambers, 1 chamber is tied and 1 chamber (Montana House) is still undecided.

14. Bush is now a lame duck president. He will have no greater moment than the one he's having this week. It's all downhill for him from here on out -- and, more significantly, he's just not going to want to do all the hard work that will be expected of him. It'll be like everyone's last month in 12th grade -- you've already made it, so it's party time! Perhaps he'll treat the next four years like a Friday, spending even more time at the ranch in Kennebunkport. And why shouldn't he? He's already proved his point, avenged his father and kicked our ass.

15. Should Bush decide to show up to work and take this country down a very dark road, it is also just as likely that either of the following two scenarios will happen: a) Now that he doesn't ever need to pander to the Christian conservatives again to get elected, someone may whisper in his ear that he should spend these last four years building "a legacy" so that history will render a kinder verdict on him and thus he will not push for too aggressive a right-wing agenda; or b) He will become so cocky and arrogant -- and thus, reckless -- that he will commit a blunder of such major proportions that even his own party will have to remove him from office.

16. There are nearly 300 million Americans -- 200 million of them of voting age. We only lost by three and a half million! That's not a landslide -- it means we're almost there. Imagine losing by 20 million. If you had 58 yards to go before you reached the goal line and then you barreled down 55 of those yards, would you stop on the three yard line, pick up the ball and go home crying -- especially when you get to start the next down on the three yard line? Of course not! Buck up! Have hope! More sports analogies are coming!!!

17. Finally and most importantly, over 55 million Americans voted for the candidate dubbed "The #1 Liberal in the Senate." That's more than the total number of voters who voted for either Reagan, Bush I, Clinton or Gore. Again, more people voted for Kerry than Reagan. If the media are looking for a trend it should be this -- that so many Americans were, for the first time since Kennedy, willing to vote for an out-and-out liberal. The country has always been filled with evangelicals -- that is not news. What IS news is that so many people have shifted toward a Massachusetts liberal. In fact, that's BIG news. Which means, don't expect the mainstream media, the ones who brought you the Iraq War, to ever report the real truth about November 2, 2004. In fact, it's better that they don't. We'll need the element of surprise in 2008.

Feeling better? I hope so. As my friend Mort wrote me yesterday, "My Romanian grandfather used to say to me, ''Remember, Morton, this is such a wonderful country -- it doesn't even need a president!'' But it needs us. Rest up, I'll write you again tomorrow.

Yours,
Michael Moore

Day 263: I'm Lovin' It!

Now, this isn't a McDonald's commercial, or another Justin Timberlake single. This is me talking about my kids and my job...

One of the most enjoyable classes that I teach is my Specials 2 Science class. I teach Grade 2's Science twice a week and it really is a lot of fun. Teaching English is cool and fun, but teaching Science is a total blast! The material is really easy to make exciting and engaging, and my students are so eager to learn and just *soak up* information. Their little minds really are like sponges - so thirsty for learning! And always so eager to participate and contribute.

We don't have a proper science lab but we do get to conduct some fun experiments in the classroom once in a while. Most of the time I get to just 'fill in the blanks' with my own supplementary material that ties in earlier concepts learned in the classroom. Today our unit was about fuel and producing heat. The chapter touched a bit on energy sources and where electricity comes from. It very briefly went over the idea of renewable versus non-renewable energy resources - something that I take very high interest in - and so I decided to use this as a foundation for my supplementary exercises.

With the kids I made a list on the board of everything that we can think of that uses electricity, and then everything that they can think of that needs fuel to operate. The list was quite long and I was impressed with how much the kids already knew. We even got into petroleum bi-products such as glass, rubber, plastics, synthetic fibers, and cosmetics. Then I brought up the list of popular fuel sources listed in the text - coal, oil, natural gas, and wood - and posed The Question... "What happens when we run out of these?"

We then went into a big lesson all about renewable resources and different ways that we can develop energy. Solar, wind, tidal, and geothermal energy resources were all brought up and discussed and it was awesome. This wasn't me following textbook material word for word but rather introducing and having an active dialogue with nine-year olds about energy and power resources. Now how amazing is this! I love my job!!! I love that I can do this sort of thing. Go off track a little from 'proper curriculam' and have these great discussions with my kids where I know that they're really thinking and imagining and being creative and challenging their previous notions and concepts of science and the world. I find these kids so completely inspiring and enlivening. Teaching rocks!

Once again, I totally love my job! :-)

Day 262: Charitable Donations

A few weeks ago I put out a call for friends/family/readers to submit their favourite quotations and other words they found inspiring. The response was absolutely dismal (you guys are all so lazy!), so I decided to post some more of my words of wisdom. Here's a list courtesy of my good friend Katie who has these posted on her apartment door. Thanks for the list, Katie!

"For the longest way round is the shortest way home." - CSL

"Sometimes our greatest opportunities come wrapped in what appears to be our worst defeats." - John Marshall

"How come we've got these bodies? They are frail supports for what we feel." - Louise Erdrich

"For I have known them all already, known them all - have known evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons." - T.S. Eliot

"Change your thoughts and you change your world." - Norman V. Peale

"After a while...you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,...And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult." - unknown

"So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. You really can endure. You really are strong. Build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is uncertain." - unknown

And my personal favourite that she gave:

"The first object of laudable ambition is to obtain a character as a human being." - Mary Wollstonecraft

I'm gonna search for more. I'm on an 'Inspiring Pieces of Literature and Words' Quest. Care to donate to my worthy charity?

Day 261: Feasting On Fromage

Crashing at Michael's on the weekend is the best. He's not only like my best friend here in Korea but he's a kick ass host! He lets me crash there every weekend *and* then also makes me an awesome brunch in the morning! Eggs, hashbrowns, coffee....mmmm... As always we just lounge around for like half of Sunday in our pajamas eating brunch and watching cheesy movies. Today was '13 Going On 30' which I had never seen before. Everyone had told me what a bad movie it was, and yeah I know it's not going to win any Oscars, I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Jennifer Garner is awesome as always, and that movie has the best soundtrack I've heard in a long time (go 80's music!!)

Later on in mid-afternoon I met up with Addie and Katie who came down to Itaewon. Katie's never been to Itaewon and she wanted to check it out and do a little shopping. It was a beautiful day and we had a good time cruising around the antique stores and used book-stores in the little alleys off the main Itaewon drag. After Itaewon we took a cab to Insadong to do some major shopping. Christmas may be just under two months away but I've got to get an early start if I'm actually going to get those packages home in time for the holiday. I found some awesome gifts today that my family's going to love. I only got like half of my shopping done but it's a good start nonetheless.

After Insadong we met up with Michael and Pauline for dinner. We took Katie down to the Neon Strip for the first time and we all allowed ourselves to be mesmerized by the arcade-like alley of neon covering the buildings from top to bottom. Man, I love this street! It never fails to impress, each and every time. We went and had dakkalbi for dinner and it was really delicious. After dinner we just had to visit Ben & Jerry's because it's so close and it's the only one we know of in Seoul. They have this one flavour - Oatmeal Cookie Dough - that just may be the best damn ice cream I've ever had.

After dessert Michael and Pauline headed off home, and the three of us went and saw Princess Diaries 2. Yes it was completely cheesy and totally unintelligent, but it was wonderfully silly and effortlessly entertaining. I'm a fan of Fromage and aren't afraid to admit it! We all had fun at the movie anyways, and then bussed it back home to Ilsan. I talked to my Grandma and Dad on the phone for a while which was really nice, and then it was off to bed.

Day 260: Running Away From The Circus

Another lazy start to the weekend. A late sleep-in and then hanging around my house before dragging my ass out the door. My apartment feels so cozy sometimes I just don't wanna leave. I hopped on the subway and took a long ride on the Orange Line all the way to Apgujeong.

Apgujeong is the glitzy-glam high-end/uber-trendy shopping area of Seoul - sorta like what Rodeo Drive is to LA. Actually, non-coincidentally enough, one of the main shopping drags in Apgu is called Rodeo Drive (yeah sometimes those Koreans lack creativity...) I was meeting up with Michael to do a little shopping and take a second swing at trying to find me a pair of jeans.

An afternoon spent in Apgu led us nowhere in tems of finding me some jeans, but a fun day nonetheless. It's always fun to browse, even if most of the clothes in this neighbourhood are several digits out of my price range. Michael and I hung out at Starbucks for a while and then did some more window-shopping. On the way back to the car we came across Caffe Artegiano - a Vancouver coffee house chain that produces amazingly high-quality lattes (almost as good as Delany's!) If we hadn't just had coffee I would've suggested going there to check it out. I knew that there was one here in Apgu but it's still weird to see a coffee house found nowhere else except Vancouver and Seoul! Flashbacks from home...

We drove back to Itaewon and met up with Ailish and Angele for dinner. I haven't seen Ailo since our trip to Hong Kong, and we were supposed to be meeting up with Angele later on anyways so we all just merged for dinner. We went and had Italian for supper and it was quite nice. After dinner Ailo headed back home while the three of us took a cab to Hondae. Tonight is Pauline's going away party and is sure to be a fun night out on the town!

We met up with Pauline & Crew at Route 66 (where I went for my birthday) and stayed there for a while enjoying their famous Long Island Iced Teas. All it takes is just two of those and you're smooth sailing on your way to a good night! After hanging at '66 for a while we went to our main destination - M2. I've been to M2 before and it's a pretty cool club - very technoy though which isn't really my scene. It was Halloween tonight but none of us had felt like dressing up. This turned out to be a good thing cause even though it was a "Halloween Bash" at M2 almost nobody was dressed up there!

The club was fun but way too crowded. After an hour (or less?) in that circus we decided to change venues. We were in a mood for some fun 80's music and just wanted to be somewhere where you could actually move and breathe without feeling like you're going to be swallowed up by the crowd at any second. We all sorta just wandered around Hondae for a while trying to find a cool place to go. We were all pretty drunk - and feeling very picky about bars and music - and this turned out be a rather non-productive combination while bar-hopping. We went to one place, but it was practically empty and was way too hard-core techno for us. Then we went to another bar but it was also almost empty (always extremes - too many or too few people) and was playing all hip hop. Fun, but not what we were looking for.

At that point it was like after 3am sometime so Michael, Angele and I decided to head home to Itaewon. Michael and I stopped off for Egg Sandwiches before going back to his place and as always the Egg Sandwich Lady never disappoints. I tell ya, there's nothing quite so satisfying as a greasy egg and cheese grilled cheese sandwich from a street vendor while drunk at like 3 in the morning! YUM! Angele went her merry way and it was bedtime for us boys. Another fun Saturday night under our belts!

Day 259: Wingardium Leviosa!

(I'm sure I spelled that wrong....any Harry Potter fans out there care to correct me?)

Today was Day 2 of the Halloween Party and once again it was very, very long but a helluva lot of fun. All my Parrots came into school dressed up in costumes today and looked absolutely adorable! (yesterday they didn't cause it was the Kindergarteners' party.) I had the typical Spidermans and princesses in my class, plus a police officer, king, cowgirl, and even a kangaroo, among others. My kids are so gosh darn cute I love 'em to pieces!! I took lots of pics and promise to have 'em up online soon.

Today's afternoon was the same routine only with different kids this time. Running on a sugar high because of all the candy available, I was flying along all day! What was especially funny was that some of the kids I encountered actually thought that I was the REAL Harry Potter! LOL! Granted most of them were quite young but it was still fun to play it up. However, there was this one kid who was in Grade 4 and he honest-to-God believed that I was the real deal. He was absolutely thrilled that I had decided to visit his POLY school on this day and had a million and one questions for me. Luckily I'm fairly well-versed in Harry Potterism and was able to not only keep up but stoke the fires of his fascination with me. Here's a sample of the conversation:

Kid: "WOW! You're Harry Potter! Hey, aren't you supposed to be in school right now?"
Me: "Yes I am but I'm skipping right now." *leaning in to whisper* "Shhhh, don't tell anyone - I don't wanna get in trouble from Dumbledore."
Kid: *nodding eagerly* "Okay I won't!"

Kid: "So where's Hermione?"
Me: "Oh she's in class right now. You know her, *rolling my eyes* always studying..."
Kid: "Yeah she's so smart!"

Kid: "So how did you get here all the way from England?"
Me: "I borrowed Ron's flying car again."
Kid: "WOW! Be careful, remember you crashed it last time!"
Me: "Oh I know! We got in so much trouble that time! I'm gonna be real careful this time!"

Kid: "So can you show me some magic?"
Me: "No I can't, I'm not allowed. Chang-Director said I couldn't practice any spells at POLY because I might scare the preschool and kindergarten kids."
Kid: *nodding in agreement* "Yeah, that's a good idea..."

It was so much fun! He'd go off to play another game and then would come running back later on with another whole round of questions for me. This kid seemed a little too old (about 10 years old) to be thinking I was the real Harry Potter but I loved every minute of it. It *almost* made me feel like a film star/foreign celebrity/way-cool boy wizard all the way from Hogwarts for a day. Gotta love kids, man! It's days and moments like this that I really, truly do love my job! :-)

Day 258: Just Call Me Mr. Potter

So today marked the beginning of a massive full two-day Halloween Party at POLY. We have different kids that come on Thursdays and Fridays (in the afternoon), hence the need for two days of festivities. It was a fun but hectic and exhausting two days, to say the least!

All week long was spent preparing for The Big Days. That meant decorating the entire school from top to bottom, with the focus being the library which is where all the celebrations would be taking place. Pumpkins had to be carved, scary decorations put up, and all the Halloween artwork that the kids have been making have been hung in every classroom.

Now Halloween is not a holiday that's typically celebrated anywhere in Asia (as far as I know) but is rather a Western cultural import (thanks to globalization, MTV, and us English Teachers!) Most of my students have lived abroad at some point (mostly in the States) so they're all familiar with Halloween. All the larger English schools in Korea go all out for this holiday, and mine was certainly no exception.

Me and all my coworkers had fantastic costumes that the kids totally loved. I dressed up as Harry Potter and my kids *ate it up*! They totally went wild when they saw me! Harry Potter is HUGE in Korea and almost all of my students have seen the movies a hundred times and many of the older ones have even read the books. I knew that this costume was gonna be a hit, and judging by all the screams of joy I got (especially from my Parrots) it turned out to be a great idea. All the kids looked so cute in all of their costumes and it really got everyone in the spirit. I haven't been into Halloween this much since I was at the trick-or-treating age!

The fesitivities all went fairly smoothly with the kids playing the games that us teachers had built for them. There was bobbing for pencils, pumpkin bowling with tombstones for pins, fishing for candy, ghost races, pumpkin bean bag toss, pin the stem on the pumpkin, face painting, and even a haunted house! Way cool! As much fun as it was, having like *eight* hours straight of Halloween Party is enough to tire anyone out, even a vibrant and energetic boy wizard like myself! Phew!

Day 257: City Stats

At work today one of my coworkers, Tim, gave me a sheet full of really cool stats that he printed off from online. It's a list of every single city on the planet that has a population of a million or more. And in case you're curious, there's 416 of them. Wow, that's a lot! The stats are pretty cool (at least for urban planning geeks like myself) and for your own interest here's the Top Ten - do you rank among them?

1) Tokyo - 33.8 million (shit that's more than all of Canada!)
2) Mexico City - 22.1 million
3, 4) (tied) Seoul and New York City - each at 21.8 million (wow I live in #3!)
5) Sao Paulo - 19.9 million
6) Mumbai (Bombay) - 19.1 million
7) Delhi - 18.6 million
8) Los Angeles - 17.7 million
9) Osaka - 16.7 million (who knew Osaka was so big? I sure didn't)
10) Jakarta - 16.6 million

For all my buddies scattered throughout the world, here's where you rank:

*For Marcio in Rio de Janeiro - you're #20 at 11.9 million
*For Steven, Matt, Adam, and Eric in London - you boys are also tied at 11.9 million strong
*For my same-name buddy Scott in Chicago - congrats, you're # 26 with 9.7
*For Becky who lives on the outskirts of San Francisco - you're #35, 7.3 million baby
*For Benny, Elaine, Craig and Kate who live in the loved and loathed city of Toronto, Canada's biggest city places globally at #58 with 5.1 million
*My Nana lives in Phoenix, #84 at 3.8 million
*For all my Seattle buddies - Toby, Stephen, Arion, and Alicia - the Emerald City pulls in at #87 with 3.7
*For Jason, J-P, Christina and Andre who live in Canada's coolest city - Montreal - you're at #90 with 3.6
*Hey Ryan in Kaohsiung, Taiwan! You're at #121 with 2.9 million
*And of course I can't forget all my many, many friends (and sis!) who live in the greatest city on the planet - VANCOUVER - who hold the #171 spot with 2.2 million
*For Joey in Liverpool, you Scouser you, you're at #302 with 1.4 million
*For Jakub and Jarek in Prague - the next major stop on The S2H World Tour - pull in at #323 with 1.3 million
*I don't have any friends in Ottawa, but Canada's capital is #367 with 1.1 million
*Which is just ahead of Mark and Rolly in Calgary at #388 with just over 1 million
*Canada's last city to rank the charts is for my other friend Scott who lives in Deadmonton, errr....Edmonton, placing #408 at also just over 1 million

For all my other friends out there who didn't get mentioned...sorry...you just don't live anywhere that placed on this chart, baby! And if I forgot anyone who lives in a major urban centre that I somehow forgot to place here, big apologies to you - and please let me know who and where you are! ;-)

Day 256: Mosquito Mayhem

Okay get this...the weather is getting colder, yet there somehow seems to be *more* mosquitoes around? How the hell does this make sense? Can someone please explain this strange phenomenon to me.

Since arriving in Korea I've barely recalled encountering a mosquito at all. Spring and summer came and went and other than my camping trips out to off-shore woodsy islands, I've been mosquito-free this whole time. Seoul is far too big and green-space-free to produce mosquitoes. They're just not an issue here.

Until lately! Suddenly they're coming out of the woodwork here in my apartment and I have no idea why. At night the temperature actually gets close to the freezing point sometimes, so there's no way in hell those little flying bastards could be surviving out there. They must have built some little Survivor-esque colony somewhere in my apartment cause how else would they make it through the night?

And the other odd thing is that I only have to deal with them at night. I never ever see them in the daylight. But suddenly it's bedtime and I'm just about to doze off when I hear that horribly all-too familiar buzz in my ear. I quickly turn on the light to try and kill the little biatch but each and every time there's no mosquito in sight! I try to ignore it but then as soon as I turn the light back off again, sure enough a few minutes later I've got another bzzzzzzzzz around my freakin' head! Eventually I give up and then I wake up in the morning to see that they've feasted on my arm or face or whatever during the night.

Arrrrrgh!! It makes me so mad! What will it take to get rid of them? Leaving my apartment windows open all night to freeze them out? Die little bastards, die!

Day 255: Phlegm Factor

Reason #47 why fall is a way-cool season: less phlegm!

Air pollution in Korea ranges from just plain bad to horrific. In the summer months especially the air is a choking mix of smog, industrial smoke, and toxic car fumes. The high humidity amplifies all of this during the summer season and Korea becomes trapped under stagnant hot wet air masses that just SIT over the peninsula trapping all of the pollution and preventing any air circulation. The result of having to breathe all of this in day in, day out is a constant build up of phlegm in your throat, and it's pretty damn disgusting.

And we're not just talking the occasional need to hork up a big fat juicy loogy once in a while, but a constant perpetual need to spit for fear of suffocation. It's like your throat is threatening to close off entirely unless you keep the loogies flying. It's really quite gross, but an unfortunate reality of living in a crowded, polluted city. I even gave it a name - PermaPhlegm. I've had to get used to it since arriving which has proved to be not fun as I was the kind of person who NEVER spat in public back home. God my mother would faint from shock and horror is she saw the things I had to do now!

But now that fall and the cooler weather has arrived, we've seen a drastic drop in smoggy days. Things are still polluted in our choked up Korean atmosphere, but they're a lot better than they were a few months ago. And this has resulted directly in a significant reduction in personal phlegm! In fact, current estimates place it at an approximate 68.3% decrease since August peak production rates! Right on! Yah for fall!

Day 254: Cinematic Satisfaction

So I managed to sleep away half the day today by waking up at NOON...the latest I've slept in in quite some time. I had little to no hangover, which was great, and headed back to Ilsan right away.

I was feeling sooo lazy and lethargic when I got home that I spent the day listening to music, playing around on the computer and chatting on the phone. I talked to Brad & Andrea in Vancouver and it was SO GREAT to hear their voices and catch up with them. I can't believe that it's been over four months since they left Korea already... It just seems like yesterday that they were leaving and I was lamenting their absence. In fact, as scary as it sounds, the time that they've been gone from my life in Korea now is longer than the time that they were *in* my life while in Korea. Time keeps on whipping by...

I met up with Addie later on and we went to go and hang out at LaFesta for a bit. We had some dinner at Mickey D's and then went to go and see a movie. We were excited to be able to go and see a *quality* English film - '21 Grams.' The movie was fucking brilliant and I can't say enough good things about it! Not exactly a happy film, but some of the most superb acting that I've seen on screen in a long, long time. Utterly, cinematically satisfying. It's already out of theatres back home, but if you haven't seen this film yet, I highly reccommed it.

After leaving the movie speechless we went back home and went to bed. A fantastic weekend, balanced naturally by a crazy-busy-super-long day with a very-lazy-really-short one. A little ying, a little yang, if you will. Sounds good to me! :-)

Day 253: Half Way There Already???

So today is a landmark day in The S2H World Tour.

Today marks 253 days spent on this amazing journey in this wonderful little country, and is the exact half-way mark for my time here in Korea. 253 days have passed already, and I will be leaving Korea for the next phase of the World Tour in exactly another 253 days. 506 days in Korea altogether, and it's already half way over! Wow! Time is flying by so fast!!

And what a busy and action-packed landmark day it was!

I had a nice long sleep last night and then woke up ready to head into Seoul. I took the bus into Itaewon and met up with Michael for lunch. We had one mission in mind - to find Scotty a pair of stylish and properly-fitting pair of jeans! This is quite the task in Korea but we were ready and eager for the challenge.

And shopping we did! We hit Hondae, Sinchon, and Myongdong (three different neighbourhoods in Seoul known for good shopping) but struck out 0 for 3. We must've gone to at least 40 stores during our shopping marathon but could not find anything that we liked. Either the jeans were hot and stylish but were too short for me, or fit me but were lame and gross. *sigh* Oh, the woes of being 191 cm. in a country where few locals ever make it to such a height... But I did buy a pair of brown chords, a blue sweater, and a new scarf (all at Abercrombie & Fitch imitation look-a-like wannabe WhoAU?) so it wasn't a total loss.

We grabbed some pizza for dinner in Myongdong and then went back to Itaewon to get Michael's car. We met up with Sally & Jay there and the four of us drove back out to Ilsan to meet up with Addie to go and see a movie. We went to a DVD bang and after much deliberation and discussion finally picked out a movie to watch together. It was a Korean horror film called 'A Tale Of Two Sisters' that was confusing but very weird and scary. Good times.

After the movie Michael and I headed *back* into Seoul to meet up with Pauline, Nick & Angele at 'The Bar' in Sinchon to party it up! The three of them were a few hours ahead of us in terms of stateness of inebriation (sp?) so we gave our best college efforts to catch up avec pitchers of gin & tonic. Yum! Great 80's tunes, tasty liquid alcohol snacks and fab friends. Sounds like a great Saturday night to me! We stayed there until just after 3am and then the three of them went home. Mikey and I were still feeling energetic so hit G-Spot in Itaewon and stayed out til 5am! Wow what a late night! Bed time came at last, and I was out cold before my head even hit the pillow.

Day 252: Wanna Be Shazamed?

So I have a special exclusive invitation that's just for you baby. And only you. (Well, you and everyone else who reads this blog, however many that may be...)

I have four, count 'em FOUR (4), extra invites to Gmail that has your lucky name on it. And all you have to do is ask (and tell me I'm cute, or that you love my blog, or something else nice that you know I'll wanna hear...haha!)

Now why would I want to join Gmail, you ask? Let me tell you! Well, for starters, Gmail kicks major ass! It beats the pants off of any other free email service out there that I know of, that's for sure! (*especially hotmail who is infinitely evil and malicious - stay away from those greedy Microsoft bitches at all costs!)

Whoever said bigger is not better was clearly clueless (on a lot of things, actually...) because in this case it like so totally is (note to self: must stop the Valley Girlisms that seep/pour their way into my blog). With Gmail you get 1000 mb of storage!!! SHAZAM! Holy shit that's a lot of space! To put it into perspective, Yahoo only gives you 250 mb as does Hotmail (which up until a week ago only gave you a measely cheap-ass 2 mb of space!) To go from having 2mb to 1000mb of email storage is like moving out of a Korean apartment and then suddenly having all of Siberia as your bedroom (only less ice and snow and scary Russians.) Wow, so much space!

With that much space you literally never, ever have to delete an email again. Gmail is actually designed around this concept. Instead everything is simply 'archived' and stored conveniently out of sight until you wish for its presence to return. Then it's just a matter of doing a quick 'search' within your email account and it pops right back up again on screen. SHAZAM! How easy and fun is that?

All emails are stored as 'conversations', meaning that you are able to see an email's entire message history (yours *and* their's) at your leisure. It certainly helps you to keep track of information and what you wrote in earlier messages. However, unlike other email providers (ie: SuperEvil MicrosoftMofos) you don't have to scroll through all that conversation to read it. It's stored neatly on little tabs that are just a click away. With just the click of one button SHAZAM! you suddenly have access to everything you've ever said to a person (and what they've said to you!)

And if you thought it couldn't get any better, Gmail is not only free, but is pop-up and spam-mail free. All advertising is placed on the side out of the way, is tailored specifically to your interests, and promises that you will NEVER ever receive a piece of junk mail again! As much as I adored receiving 276 emails a day via Hedonistic Hotmail regarding how to make my cock bigger, where I can get cheaper prescription drugs or fake university degrees, or watching curious teen girls get it on with curious teen farm animals SHAZAM! (whoops, wrong place for a Shazam!), I don't think I'll miss getting any more junk mail!

And your account is never cancelled or deleted if you don't check your email within a certain ridiculous time frame (ahem, hotmail's a scum-sucking baby-eating bastard) which is great if you can't check email all the time, or know you'll be away from your account for an extended period of time.

Have I sold you on it yet?

So if you're interested, just write The Man (ie: me) a little message and all of this magic can be yours too. Do you wanna be SHAZAM!ed? :-)