The Journey From Hell

What? What's this? A brand new blog post??? Holy fuck!

No, you're not hallucinating. This is indeed a brand spanking new blog post. I know that I suddenly stopped writing mid-way through the summer, and do need to finish up the last two months of The S2H World Tour: Eurostyle, but for now it's just the one post. I just had a pretty crazy travel adventure and I *know* that you're gonna enjoy hearing about this.

So as you may or may not already know, I decided to go down to Chicago for New Year's Eve this year. One of my best buds, Michael, lives there and I was in need of a holiday. I've never ever been to the Windy City and was really looking forward to some time in the big city. The funny thing about Chicago is that it's not actually all that far from Thunder Bay. It's only an 11-hour drive, and this isn't so bad if you compare it with, say, driving to Toronto (18 hours plus.) But for whatever reason it's totally off the radar here in Thunder Bay. No one ever thinks of driving down there, which is too bad cause it really is a fantastic city.

So I totally encourage you to go visit there one day, but if you do drive there, I really hope you don't have an experience similar to mine...

The day started off on a bad foot. I woke up at 7am after a really restless sleep and felt like shit. My head hurt and my stomach was in knots. And then shortly after my shower I ran to the bathroom and threw up. Coop, eww! What should have been taken as a SERIOUS OMEN was passed off as a temporary upset tummy.

Ooooh how I wish it had been temporary...

You know how you feel like shit and then you throw up and then suddenly you feel like a million bucks, like you could go climb a mountain or run a marathon or something? Well maybe not exactly mountains or marathons, but I did feel *a lot* better after emptying my stomach, and was convinced I was ready for the 11-hour solo drive down.

Oh how wrong I was!!!

I grabbed a scone and caramel macchiato from Starbucks for the journey to the border, and when I left Thunder Bay it was just after 9am. I wasn't feeling super, but honestly felt okay enough to drive. Less than an hour later I had crossed into Minnesota and all was going...okay. My stomach was totally in a cranky mood but I was being good to it by not drinking my coffee and switching to water. Surely I had him under control. I mean willpower's strong enough to control any bodily action, right?

Well my tempermental tummy had other things in mind. 3.5 hours later I rolled into Duluth and was feeling pretty light-headed. My stomach was nearly empty and I felt weak and hungry, but was so not feeling like food going IN was a good idea. I pulled into a McDonald's in Superior, Wisconsin and decided to get a snack to help make me feel better.

Now before your jump down my throat (I can hear you already: "MCDONALDS'S!!!?? SCOTTY WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!) it wasn't like I went in and ordered 8 Big Macs or anything. I ordered more water, the fruit platter, and some chicken and fries for supper later on in case I did feel like eating more. I ate the fruit platter, had a drink of water, and was already feeling like I was coming back to life. I was sitting in my car, still in the parking lot, when suddenly my stomach decided that at that very moment it absolutely necessary to empty out its entire contents. Like no warning at all. I was just sitting there enjoying my apples and Dasani when suddenly it was SHAZAM! Vomit Time. So what's a boy to do?

I opened the car door, leaned out, and retched for the longest time. It all came back up. Dasani, apples and grapes, white chocolate blueberry scone, and a little caramel macchiato. This was so not a glamourous moment. Fortunately for me there was no one within view so my stomach's efforts at decorating the parking lot organically was my secret to keep. Phew. Well time to get back on the road...

And once again, after this I felt good again. I cranked up the tunes and was soon singing and car dancing through Northern Wisconsin to my melodious music mix. I was making good time at 140 km/hr and honestly felt that was the last of it. Well this is when Mother Nature decided to throw her cards into the mix. The grey skies decided to unload their celestial storage of snow and throw it all at me and my Camry. The roads soon became very slushy and slippery and traffic had slowed to deal with the crap weather. A bit of a delay, but hey I'm a Northern Boy, I've driven in winter conditions for years and years, I'm responsible, I'm cool, I can handle it, right?

Well I was at a big interchange changing from one freeway to another, and was going down a sharply curved onramp when suddenly I lost control of the car. Gravity and ice took over, and seconds later I spun out and slammed into a snowbank - and one of the onramp's reflector poles driven deep into the ground. Snap crackle crunch, Kellogg's Crashed Camry.

I couldn't see any damage while I was still in the car and knew it was relatively minor, but still I had heard broken glass and new that my front headlight was not in a good condition. But, much more urgently, I instantly recognized the dangers in lying perpendicular across a curved hidden snowy downslope onramp. NOT a good place to be chillin' out. I pulled out of the snow and got back on the freeway.

At the next available exit I got off the interstate and checked out the car. It wasn't pretty, but not nearly as bad as I had originally feared. The orange part of the left headlight was nearly completely severed from the car and was dangling (but still operational) and there was a good size dent behind the light. Oops. Well, nothing I can do about it here, time to move on.

I was feeling pretty shitty at this point. I was pissed at myself for getting in my first car accident ever (well, first that ever caused any noticeable damage...) and my stomach was getting all bitchy again. It was now dark and the weather was getting worse and worse. Blinding snow was being driven across the interstate and it was extremely slippery. Visability was near zero, and it was all I could do to concentrate on the rearlights of the car ahead of me to not veer off the road. All around the freeway chaos ensued. I stopped counting at 20 after seeing over-turned cars and jack-knifed transport trucks. Flashing police lights and cars stuck in the snow became a very common sight. It was absolutely crazy. Snow Armageddon had been unleashed on Wisconsin.

It's at this point that I want to communicate to you my extreme disdain for the state of Wisconsin. Wisconsin SUCKS ASS. Shitty weather aside, it's a really freaking boring state. There's NOTHING of interest to see while driving through it, and it's a never-ending journey. I swear, I'd be driving along, see a sign for Madison saying it was 160 miles away, drive for like 2 hours, and then see another sign saying Madison: 145 miles. WTF??? Was I stuck in some sort of hole in the time-space continuum? Why is Madison like the oasis mirage in the desert? Always in the distance but you can never actually get there. I don't understand it. And the endless hours would be better if there was actually something to look at other than trees and fucking farms. Saskatchewan is flat and boring, but at least it's Scenic Boring. Wisconsin is just Plain Fucking Boring. The entire state could disappear into a void and no one would miss it. Hell no one would even notice! You just drive and drive and drive across it and swear that you'll never get to Madison, much less the Illinois border. Argh!

Well all of the above, in hindsight now, was very tolerable in comparison with what happened next. I'd take a McDonald's parking lot sick spell and a freeway-destroying blizzard any day compared to the next chapter in the story...

I had at this point actually passed Madison and was nearing the Illinois border. Do not underestimate the miraculous feat that this alone is. Passing Madison was like crossing the entire Arabian desert on your hands and knees to reach Mecca, or like Moses parting the sea at his command, or like Britney going out for a night on the town and NOT accidentally(?) flashing the paparazzi her va-j-j. It truly was a Christmas MIRACLE.

I was driving along on the freeway when all of a sudden, yep you guessed it, Mr. Tummy started his antics up again. Ohhhhhh FUCK. I was nowhere near a freeway exit and was driving along at like 100 km/hr and could not stop. IT was coming, and IT was going to be here very, very soon.

My mother, being the thoughtful lady that she is, had supplied me with a few supersized ziploc plastic baggies just in case of a situation like this. I had stuffed them into the door pocket next to me just in case a predicament just like this should come up. I was starting to gag and could feel the beast rising up my throat and was blindly trying to grab one of the plastic baggies, but alas, could not find one. With mere microseconds left before the monster emerged, and not wanting to be sick all over myself, I did the next best thing.

I grabbed the empty McDonald's bag next to me and, just in the nick of time, threw up in that. One wave, however, was not enough, and round after round after round of vomit poured out of me like a dam bursting. I retched and retched and retched but it was all going inside the bag. Seriously, I filled like a quarter of the bag! Where was all of this coming from? I hadn't eaten/drank that much today... And don't forget this is all while still commanding my Camry on I-94 at 100 km/hr in a blinding blizzard! It was a shitty situation, but I felt at least I had it somewhat under control...

Well, that is, until the bottom of the McDonald's bag completely gave out and dumped a Lake Michigan-size pool of vomit All Over Me. In a split second an earth-shattering tsunami of warm, wet, liquidy gooey vomit SPLOOSHED down and covered my entire lap, my lovely green turtleneck from Banana Republic, my winter jacket, the seat, the floor, part of the steering wheel, and not to mention had filled one of my shoes. That's when you realize that wow things really can't get worse. I wanted to scream but all I could muster up was a few "Fuck!"'s. It was the lowest of the lows, and man did life ever suck at that moment.

I pulled off at the next exit and into a gas station parking lot. I sat for a moment, warm and wettened by my own vomit, tried not to gag on the SMELL, and had to take a second to pull myself together. I was completely disgusted with myself. I've never felt GROSSER in my life. I shoulda just shat my pants just for the hell of it. Just for, you know, icing on the cake and all that jazz. But I had enough to deal with, and so I began the clean-up process. I emptied out as much vomit from the car as I could, stripped down (in the blizzard, don't forget) and exchanged the vomity clothes for new clean ones, and tried to wipe down as much of the interior of the car as I could. It took about a half hour and A LOT of papertowel, but I managed to improve the situation, well, marginally, and all the while being discreet as I really didn't want to share my glorious moment with the other gas station patrons. At the end of it I covered the still-wet seat with my Dad's snowpants (sorry Dad!) and got back on the freeway yet again. I mean I was still like 3 hours from Chicago! Throwing up all over yourself in your car sucks, but doing so and then having to keep driving sucks even more!

It really was absolutetly disgusting, but yes I drove my smelly vomity car all the way and made it to Chicago. Michael and I had arranged to park the car at his friend's place in the burbs for the duration of the trip, and when he picked me up all I could do was apologize over and over. I was still sick and gross and smelly and now had a bag of vomity laundry to clean and really was the worst friend ever. Luckily for me Michael is an awesome and understanding guy and was very kind and supportive. I had a shower at his and then crashed for the longest sleep ever. God I was SO HAPPY to be out of that car after having taken FIFTEEN HOURS to get down to Chicago. Longest, shittiest day ever.

The good news is that after a day like that the only way to go from there is up, right? The rest of my trip was fabulous and I had a brilliant time. I got to hang out tons with Michael and his super sweet bf Hyungi, spend New Year's and 2 days catching up with Addie (another old friend from my Korea days) and played tourist for 8 fun-filled days in Chicago. I had quite the long list before coming down but managed to see and do almost everything. I went to the Art Institute, the Field Museum (twice!), the Museum of Contemporary Photography, took in the view at the top of the Sears Tower, had martinis with the boys one night in the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor of the John Hancock Centre, went and saw some theatre, ate tons of delicious ethnic food, walked around downtown a ton, and did A LOT of shopping. It was pretty damn cold most of the time I was there but I didn't let that slow me down. Chicago's a pretty easy city to navigate and there's SO MUCH to see and do there. Architecture buffs will be in heaven as Chicago is very, very skyscraper-heavy and I spent most of my time there looking up, waaaaay up. We even went out on the town one night for drinks and dancing at nightclubs Roscoe's and Hydrate and it was so awesome to enjoy the big city nightlife.

Chicago is a truly great city - one of America's best, without a doubt, and a destination worth returning again and again. Michael and Hyungi were terrific hosts and made me feel very comfortable there, and hanging out with Mikey and Addie again reminded me that neither time nor distance can diminish true friendships. I love you guys!!!

I drove back home on Sunday the 6th and I'm pleased to say that the journey back was smooth, calm, and drama-free. My stomach was good the whole time and thankfully there wasn't a repeat performance of VomitFest 2007. And yes it really was 11 hours on the way home. Not that bad at all. Very doable, well, provided you're not battling evil stomachs and death-defying blizzards! ;-)

I'll have my Chicago pics up very very soon so be sure to check out those too. Hope you got a laugh from my story. At least now I feel that I can laugh about it too! :-)