Day 269: Retrospective 2003

While cleaning my apartment the other day I came across my journals from home that I had brought with me to Korea so I could read back on snippets on my life from days gone by. I started keeping a journal beginning September 2001 and wrote in it fairly regularly right up until I left for Korea. Now I'm here in Seoul and do all my writing on here (the computer) instead of paper, which has both advantages and disadvantages. I can type far faster than I can write so I'm able to 'archive' a whole lot more of my experiences overall, and share them with anyone who cares to read them. On the other hand, there's something that's not as romantic or sentimental on a computer screen as compared to an actual physical journal containing ink that I wrote with my own hand. Staring at electronic words evokes less emotion from me than staring at words where I can feel my emotions pouring out of the page just by looking at the manner in which I wrote the entries that particular day. And then again, writing for the masses (or the five or six people who read this on a regular basis) also appeals to the emotion-sharing/gotta-be-in-spotlight/please-give-me-attention Leo in me.

I'm still deciding which one I like best.

The other note-worthy point is how impersonal and 'safe' this blog feels, in comparison, to my journal. Obviously I wrote the journal with the idea that no one will ever read it, whereas I wrote (and write) this blog knowing that I have an audience. And not just any audience, but people I know. Friends, family, and everyone in between. And so I behave myself while I write on here. I may have a potty mouth at times (which I'm sure you've all noticed) but I keep this blog particularly vague and illusive regarding certain personal subjects. I talk about my feelings and emotions often, but don't often go all that deep into the vulnerable and sensitive areas of my personal psyche. This is just easier most of the time for me, but can also be frustrating as as times I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.

And why? It's my own fucking blog! (there goes the potty mouth again....oops!) In theory I can write whatever-the-hell-I-damn-well-feel-like-it and who's going to tell me not to? (other than the occasional Korean government mass internet censorship.) Well today I'm going to venture out a little, come out of the cocoon (but not entirely) and bare parts of me that rarely see daylight. I don't know why I suddenly feel more compelled to be more open with who I really, truly am, but today seems to be that day. Some people may not like it, you may not want to know this much about me, but if you continue reading you're going to find out more about The Scotty Beneath The Surface. Be forewarned...turn back now if you're not up for it...

And so back to the journals of mine that I found...

Here are three entries from November of 2003, 2002, and 2001. Three snapshots of my life, all at different periods of my early 20's. I tended to write only in the journal when I was feeling really emotional (extreme highs or lows) and so my old journals tend to have this 'riding a rollercoaster' feel to it. I tend to think of myself as level-headed, emotionally-stable, and overall fairly confident, but my journals don't often reflect that. Let's start with November 2003 and go from there.

November 2, 2003

...I feel so lucky to live such a priviledged life! I have so much fun all the time and get exposed to such an amazing variety of fun experiences. I TOTALLY LIVE THE IDEAL LIFESTYLE! One day I'll be old and gray and will look back at these youthful years with pride and remember that I lived the most amazing life when I was in my 20'!

As for my future, it points towards Korea! A lot of research and thinking has led me to this decision. In one year of teaching there I can pay off all or most of my loans leaving me The Free Nomad to wander thru Prague, Hong Kong, and Australia at my leisure later on. And hey, I may actually *like* living in Seoul! I'm going to go into this with an open mind and a positive attitude. There is beauty and magic to be found in everyday life, anywher. Why go and be miserable when I can turn such an experience into the opportunity of a lifetime? It makes no sense! So I haven't applied to any jobs y et but will soon. I'm still aiming for early 2004 (Janaury - April) for departure - shouldn't be a problem considering how high the demand is for ESL teachers in Korea.

Wow...looks like The S2H World Tour begins in Seoul! Bring it on! :-)