Escalator Etiquette 101

The Prague Metro is a beautiful thing. It's fast, efficient (well, mostly), and has some pretty funky-looking stations. The Commies may have fucked up a lot of other things in the Czech Republic, but one positive legacy they left behind for the capital is a fantastic mass transit system.

However, the beauty of the Metro's workings are hindered by the lovely local inhabitants. The Czechs are great, I love 'em all to pieces, but dear lord they need a lot of help when it comes to how to behave on an escalator. I know that those four-odd decades behind the Iron Curtain was a bit like being cryogenically frozen and then reawakened again in fast modern times, not unlike Brendan Fraser in 1999's cinematic gem "Blast From The Past". But, eighteen-plus years have gone by already, and if there's one aspect that Czech culture needs to catch up on, to join the rest of this crazy modern world, is what to do, and more importantly what not do, when riding the escalators of the subway.

But, have no fear Prague! Scotty is here to educate, enlighten, and entertain. I've developed five fun and fresh handy hints that will help all of us, Czech and foreigner alike, to have a more pleasant trip on the Metro. Follow these five simple rules, and soon enough we'll all be singing - even louder! - the praises of Prague's metro. Enjoy! :-)


1) Firstly, let me introduce you to The International Escalator Rule. It's quite complicated, so brace yourself. It's called "Stand On The Right, Walk On The Left". Wow, that was a lot to take in, wasn't it? It's a simple yet brilliant concept, and ensures maximum efficiency for all those arriving or departing the trains. Those who want to stand and relax can stay on the right out of the way, and those who are in a hurry can speed on by without having to get stuck behind someone half way up who's completely clueless that they're holding up two dozen rushing people behind them. This rule is observed in subways and metros all around the world, from London to Montreal to Hong Kong to Berlin. Apparently it has yet to be introduced to the Czechs.

2) The Prague Metro has fabulously brisk escalators. They transport you from the subterranean depths up to the surface in mere seconds. Honestly, they're the speediest subway escalators I've come across yet. Hooray! HOWEVER, this fact makes the next rule that much more important. When you reach the top (or bottom) of the escalator, walk quickly forward or away to the side. Don't be afraid. I know that sometimes it feels like you're an airplane coming in for a landing, but don't let that deter you. Just step off and embrace the forward motion like an old friend. You'll be fine, trust me. You're not going to die, honestly. Stopping suddenly at the very top, whether it's cause you're afraid, or think you see a 1 crown coin on the ground in front of you, or because you feel the sudden urge to contemplate the meaning of life or ponder whether or not you really did turn off the oven, is NOT a good idea. Just step off the escalator and move.

3) This one goes out to all the couples out there in love - especially the teenagers. While I really do like the fact that the Czechs openly embrace public displays of affection, and how free that makes all of us feel (let's all hold hands and sing Kumbaya now), sometimes these bloody happy couples take things a bit too far. Holding hands, sure. Long hugs, sounds great. A kiss here and there, go for it! Trying to see if you can make it to third base with your girlfriend on the escalator when you're wedged between Grandma Jana and the whole Svoboda Family is not cool. It's called 'Get A Room!,' people. I'm all for romance, but when it gets to the point where I feel like I should be handing out cigars - or tissues? - while on the metro, well that's where the line has definitely been crossed.

4) And for all you who have pets, while it's great that you can take your dog absolutely anywhere in the Czech Republic, if nature calls for ol' Rover, clean it up. Please. While this is true for both the trains and the platform, this is especially true on the escalators. If I had 100 crowns for everytime I've seen a piece of dog shit bobbing and rolling around, stuck at the bottom of the escalator, I'd never have to pay rent again. Remember, this spot is where people are so afraid of their impending landing that they're not looking out for bouncing dog shit, so it's an especially hazardous place for one's shoes, or god help you if you're wearing sandals that day... Pretending that your dog didn't take a big juicy crap on the escalator is not going to make it go away. And while the escalators are indeed super speedy, they're not nearly fast enough to suck the shit down under the the floor. I'm sorry, but that's just the physics of it.

And while this shitty hazard is rather frightening when one is about to reach the bottom, and it's so crowded that you can't see if there's shit there til the last second and by then it's almost always too late to divert your foot, this does present potential for a very fun game when the roles are reversed. Once one has cleared the bottom of the escalator, managing to stealthily avoid the gyrating feces, and has survived the whole drama shit-free, it's great fun for the whole family to stand back on the platform and play the whole "Who's Gonna Step In The Shit?" Game. This game is especially entertaining if you happen to be drunk, as my CELTA comrades and I observed, much to our delight, last September. Just like many things in life, stepping in shit sucks, but watching someone else step in shit can be downright hilarious. But, keeping with my high morals, I shouldn't encourage this game, and therefore emplore you all to please clean up off after your dog.

5) This question goes out to the maintenance staff who take care of the escalators in the Prague Metro. Why the fuck is it that on any given day, at least one of the escalators in each and every single station seems to be broken, or closed for repair?? This wouldn't matter so much if you had more escalators to choose from, but in several of the stations there's only one exit out, and only three or four escalators to choose from. During morning and evening peak hours, trust me when I say that every operable escalator counts. When two trains roll into a station, and hundreds of hurried commuters are pouring out like a bursting dam, well, we sure as hell need that extra escalator. Have you seen the morning queues to get onto an escalator? Yeah, it ain't pretty is it?

Want to increase efficiency in your mass transit system? Here's a handy hint - fix the damn escalators, and fix 'em right! I don't want to see one escalator closed for repair for a few days, only to see it closed yet again a week later ever again. I mean, WTF? Do you actually know how to fix an escalator? Or is that your way of a make-work project, to ensure that you keep your job, by having to perpetually repair the damn escalators by not really repairing them at all? Well us commuters have had enough of your band-aid solutions. Either fix 'em right, or buy new fucking escalators! Honestly, it's enough to make one go mad some days!


Although the tone of these rules may be a tad...firm...consider it tough love. The Metro is great, the Czechs are fab, but let's all work just a bit harder and make it that much better. I know you can do it. I have faith. I've seen proof. If each of you are somehow miraculously able to master The Czech Language from birth, (a feat of unequalled measure,) then improving your Escalator Behaviour shouldn't come across as rocket science. I may be a patient man, but we've all got limits, and it's time to set things straight. Let's begin tomorrow. I'm even willing to help provide directions and guidance, like an over-eager-beaver flight attendant, should you need that extra boost.

Now then, will that be coffee, tea, or me? ;-)