Day 418: Disconnected

I haven't been on Messenger in a really long time - some of you may have noticed that already. We're not supposed to use it at work, and it doesn't work on my home computer, so hence my online absence. Well this morning before class I decided to just say 'fuck it' and go up online for a bit. I popped in and was excited to see a couple of my friends online. I started to chat them up but it turned out to be a conversation that left me feeling more saddened than anything else.

I started talking to a friend (who I'll keep nameless) who I hadn't talked to in quite a while, and this is a friend that I consider to be one of my best back home. Well the conversation took a dive right off the bat. The most 'exciting' news this person had to tell me was some silly ridiculous completely unimportant Hollywood gossip that apparently I 'just had to know', and then proceeded to fill the screen with stories about local drama and parties and nights out on the town back home... blah blah blah...

This left me feeling kinda shitty for two reasons. Firstly, that the most pressing news they had for me was tabloid trash, and secondly that during the entire conversation I don't think they once asked me how I was doing or what was new with me here in Korea. Sadly, this is not all that unusual. Most of the time when I talk to friends back home (either on the phone or online) all they do is talk about themselves. They natter on and on about trivial insignificant shit back home and could really not care less about what I'm up to here. I'm not saying that their lives back home are trivial or insignificant, it's just sad that when I haven't talked to someone in months they really have nothing new to tell me. And then don't care at all about my life here. I mean HELLO I'm here in fucking Korea! How often do you get to talk to a friend overseas? Not that my life is the 'be all and end all', but I think it's pretty darn cool. Does it completely bore you?

I guess I'm also a little over-sensitive because the rest of the conversation is full of stories about events that I'm no longer involved with, with people who I haven't even heard of. Life does carry on when you move away, I certainly realize that, but it's still a hard pill to swallow. I use to be the front and centre of my social circle back home. Now I don't have a ticket for the show at all. I've left the play and actors I've never met have filled the position and taken the show in a whole new direction. I feel completely disconnected from most of my old friends back home. I hardly ever talk to the vast majority of them, and they've all moved on. There's only a very small handful that I still feel like I'm really in touch with. I've been gone for over a year now, and it's not like I expected everyone back home to be sitting at home crying their eyes out cause I'm gone, but do they have to be doing *so well* without me? (Yes, Scotty can be a selfish bastard sometimes...)

I'm making this sound like I'm sitting here all sad and depressed and suicidal, but I don't mean to. I've got an amazing life here, I love living in Korea, I've made tons of wonderful friends who I've become truly close to. Some of the closest friendships that I've ever had in my life are with people I've met here in Korea. Taking that plunge and embarking on The S2H World Tour has been the best decision I ever could have made - it's just that it does come with its fair share of side effects. I knew that leaving home and going overseas for a few years was going to change my life. I just didn't realize how much I'd be giving up when I decided to pack up my bags and leave.

If I'm feeling this disconnected from the people I know back home now, what it's gonna be like in a year when I go home to visit? I guess it's not entirely true what they say. You can always go home, but don't expect it to be the home it was when you left.