Day 124: Frustrations

JOB SEARCHING SUCKS!!!

I hate having to wait to hear about jobs that I really want, and having to apply to jobs that I'm not all that enthused about just so that I don't 'put all my eggs in one basket.' Now that Ilsan hasn't worked out, I'm really hoping to get that job at Bundang, but I have to wait another couple days to know. I have a good feeling about it, but you never really know, right? The waiting game totally sucks, and getting outside pressure just aggravates me even more.

My old boss Steven has been pissing me off all week long. He keeps pressuring me to take jobs that I really don't have any interest in, whatsoever. That job out in Cheungju, for example, just won't go away. The director lady has phoned me a couple more times, hoping that I'll take the job but I have to keep telling her that I'm waiting on other jobs. She's super nice and so it's hard to be frustrated with her, but she doesn't seem to get it. Their new plan of attack (her and Steven) is that they want me to come work *temporarily* at that school in Cheunju, until I find a new job, and then go work for some 'English Village' out in the fucking boonies that Steven has been shoving down my throat all week. This 'English Village' is some experiment the government is building to help improve the levels of English in the province and involves working at a year round 'summer camp' conducting a variety of activities with the kids. The pay is really good, but it's REALLY REALLY far out and I don't wanna be isolated at some camp stuck living with all my coworkers and students in some dorm. Thanks, but no thanks. The frustrating thing is that I keep telling Steven that I'm looking at a number of other positions instead, but it doesn't seem to sink in with him. I've been really polite but maybe with the language barrier he's just not understanding.

And on top of that, I had a really bad first introduction to this English Village. One of the director ladies from the place gave me a call the other day, but it was a total cold call. I had no idea she was going to phone me, and when she did she didn't even introduce herself or tell me where she was calling from. I just answered the phone and she launched right into her questions in her terribly broken English. The whole time I was like "who the fuck is this" in my head while talking to her. Well I guess I was a little confused and flustered because of this, and I ended up stuttering a bit during our conversation.

Now all those who know me know that I have a bit of a stutter. I don't stutter all the time during normal conversations, but for some reason I tend to stutter more on the phone than any other time. This is something I've done all my life, but has improved as the years have gone on. However, when it comes to teaching, or presentations, or public speaking, or anything really important, I almost never stutter. It's like a different speaking side of me comes out for the things that really matter and it's almost never an issue. I've been teaching in Korea for 4 months now and it's never once come up - no one at school has ever noticed.

Well anyways this director lady freaked out because of my stuttering and phoned Steven to inquire about it as soon as she got off the phone with me. Apparently she was extremely concerned about my stuttering and demanded to 'what was wrong with me' and if I had any serious speech problems. Steven became concerned about all of this and then phoned me right away to ask what was going on. I told him it was because I was nervous and because I had a hard time understanding her poor English. He seemed okay with this answer, but then proceeded to go on and on about why I shouldn't do that and that it's not good to stutter in interviews. No shit! And to piss me off even more he's phoned me pretty much everyday to remind me about all of this, and to not be nervous during interviews so I don't stutter. It's made me extremely self-conscious and edgy. I know it's not a problem with the job for me, but if people are now looking out for it, waiting to nail me for it, it could happen again.

I know that Steven is just trying to help me find a job and that he just wants to look out for my best interests, but his approaches leave me frustrated, annoyed, and feeling shitty about myself. I also know that most of this is simply because of cultural and language barriers. Koreans are notoriously insensitive towards people who are different or have disabilities, and I know he means well but it just comes across as pushy and demanding because of his limited English. I just wanna tell him 'it's alright, I'll find my own job, thanks' but don't want to be rude and so I just hold my tongue during all of this (something really hard for me to do!) I can't wait until I find a job (MY OWN JOB) and then get out of this situation!