Day 146: Life Is Now
I have a horrible habit that I've been trying to break for nearly 26 years now. It takes constant effort and continual reminders, but I have greatly improved at it. Still, I'm a long way from where I want to be. It'll probably take the rest of my life to get to that ideal point, and even then maybe not. The only comfort with this menace is that I know (or am just assuming/hoping) that I'm not alone in this condition.
My horrible habit is that I tend to live my life in the future, and not in the present time.
Let me explain...
For as long as I can remember, I have been a 'planner.' No, I'm not talking in the urban/cityscape sense this time, I'm talking with just planning for where I want my life to go next. I've always been busy with looking ahead and am constantly thinking of where I want to be and how I can get there. Call it ambition, call it pro-activeness, call it avoiding the present, call it whatever you want. But either way I've always had my eyes on the future - what I'll be doing tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, and sometimes even 3-5 or more years down the road of life.
This, in many ways, has been a great blessing. Ever since I can remember I've always known exactly what I've wanted to do in life, and pretty much every major goal I've ever set for myself I've been able to accomplish. I'm proud to say that right now at this very moment I am living the life I had always dreamed about. No wait, let me rephrase that...I am living a life that's *even better* than what I could have fathomed. I truly am a very lucky guy in that respect.
On the other hand, this near obsessiveness with always calculating my next move in life comes with a heavy curse. I find it difficult, at times, to just 'enjoy the moment' and feel that I spend far too much time planning for 'what happens next.' Instead of just letting myself go by living completely in the present and enjoying all the fruits of my labour and just stopping to celebrate and just BREATHE, I refuse to let myself do so. It's like I've crafted the art of planning out my life to such a degree that I've lost all ability to live in the now. (Well maybe not *all* ability, my life *is* full of innumerable amazing moments that I truly do appreciate *at the time*, but not as many as I would like.) What is it about me that just won't allow myself to let go, to relax, to take a break from this chess game of life philosophy, from this self-imposed addiction, from this all-consuming hypnotic trance of living life dans la future? My feet may standly firmly and confidently and proudly in the present, but my head, way up in the clouds, lies in days yet to come.
It really bothers me, at times. Again, I have to re-emphasize, it's not that I'm unhappy with the present, it's just that I can't seem to NOT be constantly looking ahead to what is yet to come, planning and preparing and getting ready for whatever goal or project or phase I've set for myself next. For example, all the while in high school all I could think about was what life would be like when I got to BC and was in university. My high school days were awesome, really fun, care-free, adventurous, healthy and happy, yet all I could think about was SFU. And then when I was in university, all I could think about was what kind of career/travelling I would be doing once I graduated. My university days were the best days of my life, I loved my school, had more friends than I knew what to do with, and was living in the most beautiful city in all the world. And yet then I was still always looking ahead.
And now here I am, in 2004 and nearly 26 years old, having the ultimate adventure of a lifetime in Korea, but yet it's a constant battle to not keep thinking 24/7 about my backpacking odyssey across Asia I'm planning once I finish teaching here, as well as my teaching adventures in Prague that I've got planned. Ahhh, my curse keeps on going! As long as I'm still alive will this always be how I am?
And talk about presumptious! How do I know I'm even going to get that far? I could die tomorrow from an aneurism or from being run over by a car or from severe food poisoning by extremely bad kimchi! Who's to say how long my life will be? How egotistical and over-confident of me to feel so sure that I'll still be here tomorrow. A long time ago I remember seeing a quotation on the bedroom door on my good friend Benoit. I don't remember exactly how it went (and it was also in French) but it roughly said something like 'You are so confident and so sure of your life, you who cannot count on a single day.' It really struck a chord with me then and it's another incentive and reminder now of why I need to work on living in the present.
Because it's so true! *Now* really is *all* that we have. The past doesn't actually exist anymore - it's just a collective memory in our complex, fragile brains. And the future doesn't have any physical tangibility to it at all - it's merely just a hopeful concept. This exact moment is all that I'll ever have and I really should do more to be thankful for it and to soak up every single microsecond of its infinite wonderfulness.
Is this complex of mine one that was genetically pre-determined, as in it's just 'who I am' and that I never really had a chance to fight it, or is there more to it? Is it culturally and socially-instilled in me from birth? Have I been programmed to live my life in tomorrow instead of today? I did a paper once in university about the different ways that cultures 'deal with' time and it was quite fascinating. I can't get into all the details now, but basically the conclusion was that cultures that don't take time so seriously (prime example - Latin cultures) live, on average, much happier and much more stress-free lives than cultures that obsess and agonize over the clock (prime example - Canadian/American culture.) Every time I think about this issue I keep going back to the lessons learned in that paper. It really does seem like our culture brain-washes us to live such lives. Why do we do this to ourselves? Is it really that important to be such obsessive organizers and planners, to have every minute of the day mapped out in our own little agendas? To need to have everything happen exactly on time or heaven falls apart? To be prisoners of our own clocks and alarms and schedules and wrist-watches? Our timeliness and efficiency and organization may be spectacular, but at what cost to the rest of our lives?
But I'm not here to point fingers or to make up silly excuses. I'm just trying to figure myself out. Which, at times, can be the hardest thing in the world to do. At least I've identified one of my own greatest personal challenges (that's half the struggle!) and am prepared and willing to take it on. I don't exactly know what to do about it - it's like trying to rewire my brain, but I really do want to improve. My life is too damn amazing to just ignore it as it flows right on by! And who really knows when it'll be gone? I'm blessed enough to have 26 years of wonderful and amazing memories. It's time I switch from just relishing my precious memories and worshipping my (not-so) secret ambitions and start soaking up the today. 'Life is now', and that's gotta be my new everyday philosophy.
posted by S2H at 6:02 p.m.
7 Comments:
I gotta say, I don't think your incessant need to plan things is really bad. I mean, look at all that you've accomplished. Many people have dreams and stuff, but how many people have achieved as many of them as you have so far? Not I! I have visions of grandeur, none of which are reality. Or have ever been. You're willing to plan and not settle for anything less than the best. A great example of this happened when you had to deal with your stupidgarbageface boss and do your damndest to stay in Korea. But you did it.
Stop worrying about planning being a problem. You're A-OK! And, if you get run over by a dump truck tomorrow, at least you can say that you realized all of your achievable goals thus far. And if you don't, well there's another day that you've done and enjoyed something great and new.
You rock, Scotty, don't you EVER forget it.
XXOO
Leese
11:16 p.m.
Scotty,
I think everyone as that same problem as you and we are design to plan our futures. Perhaps it is engrained in us to do so. Everyone has been pushed from the beginning of time to pursue our goals and ambitions, so its only natural for us now to do so and to continue to do so. That is what all of us have learned!
I think it is important to enjoy the present and all its wonderful splendours, and not to take anything for granted. But on the flip side how would you enjoy those splendours and enjoy one's life to the fullest if you did not plan to some extent. I think it is important to dream, that is what keeps mankind going. Otherwise we would become mindless drones never going anywhere doing anything.
Think of the alchemist story (by Paulo Choelo in case peeps need to read it). It talks about people who pursue their personal legend (dream),and those who do not. Well if we did not dream then no one would pursue their personal legend. We would all be lumped with those that just settle in life!
I think its important to keep on planning one's life, your sure to one day see and do everything that is in your heart! Keep on dreaming, I know i will!
Barbie xoxo
1:51 a.m.
I think it's great that you have the clarity to recognize things in yourself you'd like to change.
That said I think that there are worse things you could be. Like me for example while you live in 'the future' I live in 'the past' mostly. Everything is never where I am now it's always where I was. I think you've got a jump on us all.
2:44 p.m.
Damn Barbie, you took my comment! Well, anyway, Scott, I was going to say that I am stricken/lucky to have the same, er, condition as you. I used to worry about not enjoying the present, but then I realized that I tended to do what I enjoyed, and enjoyed what I did. You already seem to live by the old adage of Carpe Diem, so, um, just keep going with that!
The point that I wanted to make was that you do live in the present - your planning just allows that. What if you lived in the present all the time, then found that because of your actions, you suddenly couldn't do what you wanted anymore? Would you regret what you had done - sacrificing the future for the now? I'm not trying to get down on enjoying the present, but I have known and met many people who have found themselves in this position. The key is to just try and find a balance. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Everyone has their own scale, and you just have to know how to work it properly.
I think you have actually found the balance and are just unnecessarily aggravating yourself. Chill, dude. Incidentally, I have also found time to flow differently here, although it's obviously very different for the natives vs. the foreigners. I've got a few friends from South Africa who talk about how time is so fast here and refer to 'South Africa time'. Should be interesting to see. Someday...
5:10 p.m.
Scottie,
Philosophically speaking, Doris Day is not a real heavy hitter, but, sing this song to yourself a few times. No matter how you plan, no matter how you stress, no matter what you think you want....whatever will be, will be.
Que Sera, Sera
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother
What will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my sweetheart
What lies ahead
Will we have rainbows
Day after day
Here's what my sweetheart said
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Now I have Children of my own
They ask their mother
What will I be
Will I be handsome
Will I be rich
I tell them tenderly
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be
Que Sera, Sera
7:08 p.m.
Hey Scottie,
I hear a lot of myself in your comments about always looking to the future. I don't think its all a bad thing. If you look at it another way and you always lived life in the moment then maybe you would not be as focused on what you wanted to do in life. I know lots of people who are focused on the present but they have not had the adventures you have had and do not plan the kinds of life changing experiences you are having in Asia. They are usually content to settle and only wish or dream of having the kind of adventures you're having. It takes a special kind of person who has the assertiveness and confidence to make his dreams come to fruition.
I'm the same way though. I'm happy to be out of school and teaching finally but the thought of settling down in Seattle and teaching in the same school for the next 30 years scares me to death. So in my head I plan. I think about places I would like to travel to and about possibly taking my teaching certificate to England or France to teach there. I also think about other careers I would like to try or things I might want to do if I got sick of teaching and the opportunities that would afford me.
The important thing is to be aware of when your experiencing something new and interesting and to not let your planning affect the experience and I don't think you do that. Just by having this blog you are documenting your present whether it is a visit to Osaka, Juju Island or the many fascinating facets of Korea. Seems like your living in the present fairly well to me.
Stephen
7:04 p.m.
So here's the infamous quote that Scotty's talking about that was on my bedroom door...
In Français first hehehe : «Et me voilà devant une journée neuve. Y cheminer jusqu'au soir, c'est vraiment du grand art. Je me sens comme un écolier à qui chaque jour on ferait passer un examen. Hier il a eu une bonne note, ou une mauvaise, peu importe. C'est aujourd'hui l'épreuve décisive, impossible de se reposer sur les résultats de la veille, d'ailleurs ils sont effacés.»
And now what it would be like in Anglais : "And here I am facing a new day. Just to live through it is an art. I feel like a school boy who has to pass a test every day. Yesterday he had a great result, or a bad, doesn't really matter. Because today is the final test, impossible to rely on yesterdays results; anyways, they are erased."
6:36 p.m.
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